Ten... a few weeks late

 Eli,

I can't believe I'm this late posting for your birthday, and not just any birthday, your 10th birthday! 

We went on our first cruise in November of last year and we had an amazing time.  Then we celebrated Christmas with Aunt Erin, Uncle Dennis, Nik and Jak for the first time.  Then the calendar rolled into 2020 and boy what a year it has been! January and February were fairly normal but then came March... on March 16 TES closed for the school year.  I was sent home from work and you, Emily and I were officially on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic.  We ended up being in complete lockdown as a family for 11 days due to Emily running a fever.  We didn't go anywhere.  We basically homeschooled until May and then found out that there would be no summer camp either.  So you, Emily and I spent the whole summer together as well.  You didn't go back to school until the end of August and when you went back to school we realized that you were very anxious about getting the coronavirus.  This has been a hard year but I honestly think when you look back you're going to see this past summer as the best one ever.  You and Emily became super independent.  The two of you and all your neighborhood friends ruled Meadows Lane, fixed your own lunch and snacks, stayed up all night, watched too much TV and played too many video games but boy did you have fun!

You are growing up so much.  I said 2 years ago when Logan turned 10 that it was hard to believe I had a 10 year old... and now my middle child, my miracle, rainbow baby is 10 and I can't believe that even more.  I love you so very much and am loving watching you grow into the person you are becoming. But you're also challenging us with your competitiveness and attitude.  You sometimes think you know more than anyone else and we have to remind you that we are the parents.  I have always known these days were coming, I remember being a kid, but man, how did we get here so fast?

I'm sorry I'm so ridiculously late on your birthday post.  Like I said, it's been a crazy year.  We went to Dave & Buster's as a family (with Mammaw and Pappaw) for your birthday and it was lots of fun but I sure hope we can have a real party with all of your friends next year!

I love you sweet boy!

-Mom

12!

How is it possible that 12 years have passed since we met? It feels like a lifetime ago and yet like just yesterday.  I so wish you were here to celebrate with us.  Probably with a little pre-teen dramatics :) So often I try to imagine what life would be like with you here but it's just impossible. 

I miss being able to look over your bed, being able to touch you and hold you.  I wish I could know what your relationships with Eli and Emily would have been like. I wish I knew what you would look like at 12 years old. 

The day you were born was a blur but getting to spend those 17 days with you were some of the best days of my life.  I love you so much and even though I wish you were here, I wouldn't want to ask you to leave Heaven.  One day sweet boy we will celebrate together!

Love,
Mama

Seven

Emily,

Today you are 7 years old!  You have told everyone we've come into contact with for the entire month that it's almost your birthday, well, it's finally here! You woke me up sometime around 5 this morning and said "I'm 7! I feel heavier."  Oh my sweet girl, I wish you would hold onto that innocence.  I know you won't, but I will do my best to make it last as long as possible.

It has been an interesting year.  You finished Kindergarten and started 1st grade.  You've made lots of new friends, you make friends everywhere you go. We went to your first concert to see Jojo Siwa in September and you absolutely loved it.  I will cherish the memories and videos from that night forever.  We also went on our first Disney cruise and went to Disney World twice.

You got a new bike for Christmas and have been trying to learn how to ride without training wheels, but just like when you were learning to walk and every other time you've tried something new, you expect yourself to be perfect the first time out.  It's so frustrating because you are sooo close but you get so upset about not getting it right that you don't even want to try.  I know you'll catch on very soon.

We've discovered that you are a reader this year.  You already have 30 AR points and have started reading on your own.  That's something Eli didn't do until the summer after 1st grade so it shocked me when you started it so soon.

You were a Christmas tree in the 1st grade play and did a great job, you loved having lines and seem to have gotten over your stage fright from Pre-K.  You also started ballet this year and we are all looking forward to your recital in May when you will dance to Little Mermaid. You just started learning your routine this week and when we left you said you were going to practice at home and told us all about the routine we had just watched you practice :)

This year has also been hard, at least the end of it.  Two days after Christmas your friend, Sarah Beth McCullough, died.  I planned to tell you the next morning and we were sitting at breakfast when you said "I'm not gonna see Sarah Beth for a long time."  My heart stopped because I thought you might have overheard Daddy and I talking about it the night before and been through the whole night upset but not saying anything to us. So I asked you why you would say that.  You responded "cause of the flu."  We had been praying for Sarah Beth because we knew that she was at the hospital and had been diagnosed with the flu. I didn't feel like I could wait any longer so I told you that she had died.  It was heartbreaking watching you grieve for her in that moment.  The rest of the day I would find you staring off into space and when I asked if you were okay you would just say that you were thinking about Sarah Beth.  When school started back you came home saying you didn't want to talk about Sarah Beth because it made you scared and sad.  I didn't really know if not talking about it was the right idea but I didn't want to force you to keep talking about it either.  So I brought it up occasionally and reminded you over and over that you could talk to me or your teacher or the counselor at school.  Then came our first night back at ballet since before Christmas, Sarah Beth had been in your ballet class.  On the way to class we talked about Sarah Beth dancing with Jesus and you said you didn't want to talk about her.  Then we went inside and you told two of the girls in your class about Sarah Beth.  I had to pull you aside and tell you not to tell anyone else because I thought the parents should be telling their own kids.  You went into class and the teacher told all of you girls and you each signed a card for Mr. and Mrs. McCullough.  You were pretty quiet when you came out of class and on the way home you asked me if they were going to have a funeral.  When I told you that the funeral had happened when we were at Disney World you told me that we didn't HAVE to go to Disney World.  Then you said you wanted to go visit her spot and take her a note.  By the time we got home you were crying so hard I had to carry you in.  When you finished crying you wrote Sarah Beth the sweetest note and tucked it away in an envelope that you decorated.  On Sunday we drove out to Sarah Beth's spot and tucked your note under a stone there.  You stood looking down at your note and the flowers for around 20-30 minutes in complete silence.  I stood beside you, not knowing what to do except be there with you.  After awhile you took my hand and let me know you were ready to leave, still without talking.  Then you pointed at something in the cemetery.  I don't remember what it was but you wouldn't talk at all, taking me over to see what you were pointing at.  Most of the way back to town you were silent and I was so worried about you and how you were handling it.  But then you started talking and we had a good rest of the day.  I know you'll never forget your sweet friend because you still mention her and have been wanting to watch the video of her funeral but I think you've grieved and that we made the right choices and I hope you always know she's watching over you just like Logan is.

You have your very own sense of style and are so beautiful inside and out!  Never forget that! You say you want to be an art teacher or a doctor when you grow up.  You have a new love for chicken noodle soup and your love of stuffed animals continues.  This year we are going to Launch Trampoline Park in Prattville and you kept changing your mind about who you wanted to invite, so Daddy and I looked at the cost and decided to let you bring Jordyn Lankford and Natalie Hamm from Troy and also invite Lachlan, Holland and Ryland Johnson and Claire Mullins (Lachlan's cousin who you have befriended and his and Holland's birthdays and at the Jojo concert) since they live in Prattville. You're not happy that you have to wait until Sunday for the party but only because you're so excited.

I don't know what this seventh year is going to bring us, we don't have any big plans for the upcoming year but I am looking forward to continuing to watch you grow. I hope this year is the best one yet!

Love,
Mama

9

Elijah,

Wow! How did we get here so fast? Half your childhood is over and I wish I could go back and relive it all. 

You are loving 3rd grade so far and it's been fairly easy which makes me happy too :) You got in TAG (Talented and Gifted) this year and have enjoyed it too, even though it's hard sometimes. You still love to read and the science kit you got for Easter was definitely your favorite gift.  You still say you want to be a vet when you grow up but sometimes you mention soldier and football player as well.

You love soccer and have scored several goals this season.  You say you want to play baseball instead of basketball and you're still doing Boy Scouts but have already said you don't think you want to continue.

For your birthday this year we are taking David Brooks and Ellis Averett to Launch Trampoline Park in Prattville.  You love beyblades and pokemon above everything else currently.

When it comes to food, you like chicken the most.  Especially chicken quesadillas, especially the ones from Cook Out and Chipotle. 

You are the perfect mixture of sweet and mischievous and you have taught me so much! You like to help so much that you get upset when we ask you not to but you still complain about doing your chores.

This time next year I'll be writing your 10th birthday post.  That seems so grown to me and I really can't believe it's only a year away. 

I pray God will continue to bless you with good health, good friends and a good heart. I love you so much sweet boy!

-Mom

Eleven Whole Years

Eleven whole years have passed in a blink. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling this week.  I miss you so, so very much. I know I was blessed to have the time I had with you and to have your brother and sister in my life now, but I'm not feeling very blessed right now.

So many days I find it easy to remember the good things.  The days you were tucked safely inside of me, the days I held you or just held your tiny hand, the days you sucked your paci, the little noises I got to hear you make. 

But right now all I can seem to think about is the things I missed.  Nursing you, teaching you to walk and talk, learning about your favorite things, seeing you go to school, watching you interact with your brother and sister.  I wish I could see it all.

I find myself wishing once again that we were celebrating your birthday with you.  That we were having your favorite dessert instead of cake with an icing color your brother and sister will likely fight over.  I wish I could spend time in your bed talking about all the fun things we've done while you've been 10 like I do with Eli and Emily.

I know I should take comfort in the time we had and in knowing that you are in a place free of pain and sorrow.  But it's not happening this week.  Hopefully next week I'll go back to that place where I don't feel sad all the time.  Where I feel your presence instead of a huge gaping hole in my heart. Maybe next week I'll have a smile for your birthday but for now it's just tears. And as always, all my love, hopefully that's enough.

Love,
Mommy

Six

Emily,

I’m a day late for your birthday post this year.  It makes me sad to be late but it’s been a crazy year and at least I’m posting now. What a year it’s been! You started Kindergarten and absolutely love Mrs. Davis and all your new friends.

You love drawing, painting and all things arts and crafts and have decided you want to be an art teacher, which completely fits your personality at the moment.

You told me last week that you’re going to marry Jonah Lauer.  You also told me that you told him he couldn’t go under your dress, something you’ve seen people do on AFV 🤣

You have grown so much, even did a perfect cartwheel on your birthday and you also did your first standing back end this month. But at the same time, you’re scared of the flash of light from an eye exam and all kinds of silly little things.  And you still have a dramatic side!

You love unicorns, rainbows and Jojo Siwa, chicken nuggets, French fries and just about any dessert.

I pray this year is even better than the last and that you always know how much I love you!

-Mommy

8!

Wow! I can't believe you are 8 years old now.  I remember the day you were born and so many other moments throughout these 8 years like they were yesterday.  Last night we laid in your bed and snuggled for the last time as a 7 year old and we talked about the things we'd done while you were 7.  It's one of my favorite traditions.

You have really grown into such a great little guy.  You love reading and school but you also like being on school breaks too.  You like Pokemon, Star Wars, dinosaurs and beyblades.  You would watch the Jurassic Park/World movies on repeat 24/7 if we'd let you but the second Harry Potter movie was "too creepy".  You love pizza and chicken nuggets and Cook Out.  You love soccer and basketball and TROY football.  You have made so many new friends in the past year and you were elected to the SGA this year.

This year you will complete 2nd grade, receive your First Reconciliation and First Communion and perform with the big Summer Spotlight group.  You will probably make more friends and continue to shine at school and in soccer and maybe you'll even score a few points in basketball.

We've been planning your birthday surprise for about a year and a half now and I honestly can't believe we've managed to keep it a secret.  First thing this morning you said "Don't YOU have a present for me?"  Even though I knew it was coming, it still broke my heart just a little that I couldn't hand you something.  I told you that your present will be here tomorrow and you said "Okay, just tell me what it is."  I couldn't just tell you buddy.  I hope that tomorrow morning you agree that it was worth waiting for and I hope it's as big a surprise as we are expecting for you.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

Mommy

A Decade

A decade.  Ten whole years. Two whole hands.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I first looked at your tiny body, your little fingers and toes. Your teeny ears.

More than ever I’ve been wondering who you would be. What would it be like to have bunk beds in Eli’s room with you on the top bunk? What would 4th grade have been like?  Who would your teacher have been? What would we be getting you for your birthday?

Ten years seems like such a long time.  Everything in my life is so different now then that day you were born.  It seems like a different life.  And yet I have flashbacks that make it feel like I’m right back in those moments.

I love you so much sweet boy.  I was able to get some beautiful flowers for you and we’ve got something new for your spot.  But I really wish I was spending that money on some great toy that would put a big smile on your face.

-Mommy

5!

Oh my sweet princess, I truly can't wrap my brain around the fact that my baby is 5! You are such a beautiful girl inside and out although you do have a stubborn and dramatic side too :)

This year you started Pre-K and you have made so many new friends.  And boy are you learning fast!  A few weeks ago you brought me a book and said "Mama, does that say Mat?"  And sure enough it did.  Since then you've been reading us stories and telling everyone who will listen that you can read.

You played soccer in the fall and loved every minute of it and you are learning more and more in gymnastics every week.  Even though you often socialize more than practicing cartwheels.

You are such a girly girl.  You love pink and purple, bows, dresses, getting your nails done, high heels and your kitties and doll, Little Emily.  Little Emily has to go with us everywhere, you even bought her a car seat with some of your Christmas money.   You don't like not getting your way but we're working on that :)

I love you so much and am looking forward to this next year.  You will be going to summer camp, summer spotlight and then starting kindergarten and I know you are looking forward to every moment.

-Mama

Seventh

It’s been 9 days since your 7^th birthday and honestly, I completely forgot about writing your birthday letter until about two days ago. And we were so busy I didn’t have a chance to do it then.  I thought about just not writing them anymore but I hope one day you read these and get a small glimpse of how much I love you, even if I did write it late. 

What a year you’ve had! You finished Kindergarten and started 1^st grade.  You can read almost anything you see now and have discovered a love of math.  You have started your first grade year with all gold stars and we couldn’t be prouder.

You have fallen more in love with our caterpillars and butterflies, sometimes you’re even more enthusiastic than I am. You love American Ninja Warriors and want to start training now.  You still love Star Wars and trains and for your birthday Daddy and I built you a train room in the back of the shed.  You also love Nerf guns and had a big Nerf battle birthday which was a huge success.

You still play baseball and soccer and have also joined Boy Scouts.  You have discovered an interest in fishing and even caught a fish that we were able to make 3 tiny fish nuggets from, which you said were delicious.

Your love for your sister is so remarkable to me.  You look after her, worry about her, play with her and fight with her at times. 

You make friends easily and have made all A’s so far in 1^st grade.  You have taken on more chores and now empty and load the dishwasher every day.

I am soo proud of you and of the person you are becoming.  Keep loving everyone and stop worrying about doing everything perfectly.  I love you so much!

Mommy

Ninth

Oh my sweet Logan, today you would be 9!  In all these years I've always been so grateful for the 17 days we had with you.  That's not to say I didn't wonder or think "what if?" but for the most part I have been so grateful for the time we had with you.  For some reason, this year my curiosity about who you are/would have been is overwhelming.  Maybe it's because your brother and sister's personalities are developing right in front of me that is causing these kind of thoughts, I'm not really sure.  It suddenly feels like I don't even know what to miss about you.  I mean what would your voice have sounded like?  Would you have liked to read?  Would you have liked to dress up in superhero costumes?  The thing is, I miss you everyday but I wish I had more to miss.  I wish I missed the way you curled up in a ball to sleep like Emily does, or the way you sprawled out to every corner of the bed like Eli.  I wish I knew you better so that I could miss you more. 

And yet I wonder if knowing you better, missing you more would tear me apart in a way I can't even imagine.  It's such a strange journey.  Wishing for more and yet grateful for what I was given.

Last year was pretty rough.  Nothing went the way I had hoped for your birthday so I'm very hopeful that today is different.  Please know that we love you.  Be close to me, help me to feel your presence, so I don't feel so very alone.

Love always,
Mommy

Four

My dear sweet Emily... I just canNOT believe you are 4 today!  You certainly have a spitfire temper when it suits you but most of the time you have the sweetest spirit.  When you're mad or in trouble you've been known to say "You don't love me anymore!", "I don't love you anymore" and "You're a bad Mommy" but when you're happy you tell us thank you for everything and when you can't remember what you were going to say you say "I love you Mommy" instead.  This morning when you saw your 4's all over the house you kept saying "Thank you for my birthday!" even to Eli :)

This year when we asked if you wanted to have a party or go on a trip you immediately said trip and knew exactly where you wanted to go... Disney World.  I've gotta tell you girl, Daddy and I didn't think we were going to be able to make that happen.  You should always know that if it wasn't for some really kind people from church it wouldn't have.  But we were blessed and got to enjoy 2 days at Disney World.  Mickey Mouse sang you Happy Birthday, you were terrified at the Tower of Terror, you met all the princesses and insisted on having cake while we were there.  You also insisted that you were already 4 and we decided to go with it :)

You have grown sooo much in this past year!  It was terrifying for us when we found out we were going to have to move you to a new daycare but Heaven Sent has truly been a blessing in your life and ours.  You have blossomed there, made tons of new friends and are learning new things all the time.  You love to sing and show off your new lessons.  You have started asking to take gymnastics so that will probably happen sometime this year.  And you are always talking about being as big as your brother.

You have so much love and you share it with everyone!  You and Ginger have a very special bond, she sleeps with you most nights.  And lately Penny has begun to bond with you too.  Animals are still your favorites but you've started playing with princesses, dolls and shopkins more too. 

This year you will start Pre-K in the fall and you are looking forward to it.  I on the other hand can already feel the emotions of watching my last baby start school.  I'm excited for you though. 

I hope you have a wonderful birthday today and a great year as a 4 year old. I am so looking forward to watching how you change in the next year.

Love always,
Mommy

Six!

Eli,

First of all, I just want to say that this is the first year that I've ever not had this post ready to publish at 11:53am on your birthday.  That should tell you how busy we are nowadays and how fast this year has flown by!

We started a new birthday tradition sort of impulsively last night by talking about all of the fun things we did while you were 5.  We talked about going to Disney World and starting Kindergarten... Making new friends and becoming a star goalie. 

You have grown so much in the last year!  This time last year you had just started Pre-K and now you are amazing us in Kindergarten.  You are learning to read and write, do math and so much more.  But more importantly you are learning to be a good person and a good friend, even to those who may not be all that nice to you.  You were bit by another student this past week and you told me that you told her she could still be your friend as long as she didn't bite you again.  You also came home one day and told me that you and Maggie from Pre-K are in love :)

You loved playing baseball this past spring and you are loving soccer again this fall.  You have become the star goalie and play much more than you sit.  Unlike last year when your team lost almost every game this year your team is 5-0-2, you've even scored 4 goals!  I love watching you play because it's easy to see how much you enjoy it.

One of the teachers at your school told me that she's never seen a child smile as much as you do and it's so true!  Overall you are a very happy boy and you love everyone you meet!  I am so blessed to be your Mommy and I love watching you grow.  I am so looking forward to seeing you continue to grow this year!!

Love,
Mommy

Eight

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! 

8.... 8.... it just seems like such a big number.  I was thinking the other day and realized you would be going into 3rd grade this coming school year!  Just like always the days leading up to your birthday have been hard.  Thinking of who you would be and what you would be interested in.  All the what ifs we've lived with every single day since you left us. 

Eli talks about you all the time and tells people about you almost everywhere we are.  Sometimes it's hard because we have to explain the situation but it's so nice to see his love for you. 

So much has changed for us this year and I'm pretty sure this next year will be no different.  I know you watch over us and I feel your presence in so many ways.  A few weeks ago Eli and Emily were playing in the pool in the backyard and this butterfly flew up and all around us for quite some time.  It just really felt like you were there, wanting to play with your little brother and sister. 

I love you Logan and I look forward to the day I will hold you again in Heaven!  Please watch over us, especially Daddy in the coming months.  We are likely going to need to feel you close.

Love always,
Mommy

Three!

Oh my sweet girl!  It is so very hard for me to understand how you got to 3 so quickly!  Your life has passed in a flash for me, even though I remember several hard, never-ending days in there.

We celebrated your birthday very early this year because of Daddy's work schedule and our big trip to Disney World.  We are at Animal Kingdom today and if you are half as excited as you have been in the days leading up to this trip I know it will be a magical day.  For your birthday we did a Sheriff Callie theme and you were so excited you talked about it for weeks and have still been talking about it.  While we were setting up you nearly had me in tears because every few minutes you would look around and then come up to me and say "Thank you for my Sheriff Callie birthday!".  Knowing that I played any part in making that look come on your face is something I absolutely cherish.

You have the very sweetest heart and constantly say "I love you" and kiss me.  And you give the biggest and best hugs ever, squeezing with all of your might.

You love you Daddy and your brother SO SO much.  And the cats.  The love you have for both Penny and Ginger is amazing to watch.

You are such a big girl and like to do things by yourself and for the most part, when you put your mind to something you get it done.

You are about 38 in. tall, 34 lbs. wear a size 3T and a size 9 shoe.  You love girly things like makeup and dresses and finger nail polish but you also love to play with your brother's cars and planes.

I honestly cannot believe this is your last full year in daycare.  Next Christmas will be the last one before you start preschool.  It breaks my heart to know you are growing up so fast but I am loving every minute of watching you become your own little person.

At your eye doctor appointment this week someone asked you your name and for the first time, you weren't shy, you piped right up, "Emowee Gooden".  Just one more small way you're growing up and not needing me anymore.  But I'll always be here little girl!  You may not need me often, but whenever you do, I'm here.

I love you so, so much and I hope you are having the most amazing birthday ever.

Love,
Mama

Five

Eli,

Five whole years!  Five whole years have passed since that first day when they placed you in my arms.  I honestly cannot believe it has already been 5 years.  And every time I think about that it flashes in my brain that in 5 more years you'll be 10!

But let's not think about that for now.  For now let's think about now.  You started Pre-K this year and you've been a rock star for the most part!  For the first 6 weeks or so you got all but 2 pinks (best possible) and those 2 days you got blue (second best)!  And you are loving school.  Every day you come home excited to tell us something new you learned or to teach us a new song.

You also started soccer this year and you're are really enjoying it and doing very well at all positions.  You've played goalie, offense and defense and while you're not the top scorer and you have been scored on, you are doing really good and getting better every game.

But soccer had led to a red at school (worst possible) and an orange (second worst).  I know it's just because you are tired from school and soccer but we are doing our best to teach you that being tired is not an excuse for bad behavior.  We have 4 games left over the next 2 weeks so hopefully they will be better.

You specifically asked for a Spiderman birthday at Xtreme Athletics this year and then you told us that you wanted all the kids to have capes so you could pretend you were saving people.  That's when we realized that even though you said Spiderman you meant Superman.  So we ended up doing a superhero birthday and Mammaw and I managed to make capes for the kids.  You had a blast!

It seems like you have hit a growth spurt over the summer and suddenly nothing is fitting.  I'm slowly getting rid of all the pants and pjs that are too small and then last week we realized that even your underwear were too small :)  I cried the night that we bought the next size up and they actually fit you better than I expected.

What can I say, you are growing up in every way.  You are taking on more responsibilities: feeding the cats and sometimes the dogs; doing dishes and wiping off the table, picking out your own clothes and ready almost completely by yourself some mornings.  One morning you even made your own toast!

I'm not ready for you to grow up but at the same time I love watching you.  I love seeing little pieces of the person you are becoming each day.  I hope you always stay as helpful and loving as you are now.  I hope you keep on loving trains or find something else you are just as passionate about.  You are the best son and big brother around and we love you very, very, very much!  Happy Birthday big boy!

-Mommy

7

Oh my dear sweet Logan, how can I possibly explain how much I truly miss you?  You would be seven years old today.  Heading for the second grade.  All of the things we are about to do for the first time with Eli should be old hat for us: sports, school shopping, meeting teachers.  If you were here in our arms we would have traveled this road before.  But instead we're facing it all for the first time and wondering what it would have looked like if we'd gotten to do it all with you.

Every year the days between June 16 - July 14 are so hard on me.  The rest of the year I can stay busy for the most part with your brother and sister and even though I think of you daily, it doesn't hit me the same way.  But every year during these 4 weeks I lose my breath when I think of you.  I feel like I could cry at a moments notice and everything seems to relate to you in some way.  Just lately I've realized how unprepared I was when you were born.  I wasn't a very good mom during those 17 days. I mean, sure, I did all the things I was supposed to do.  I pumped and visited the NICU often.  I thought about you non-stop.  But I didn't know how to be a good mom then.  I didn't know how to sit beside your bed and just be there.  Sometimes when we came to visit I felt like I was just checking in on you.  I didn't know what to do except stare at you.  Some of that is because I was being watched (or at least felt like I was).  We never had alone time you and me.  There were nurses, family members, friends... if we could have just been alone maybe I would have known what to say to you or felt comfortable singing to you or telling you a story.  I wish I had been brave enough to do those things anyway.  But I know that I am a better mom to Eli and Emily than I ever could have been without you.  I hug them and kiss them and tell them I love them more often because I don't get to do those things with you.  I hope that taking that lesson makes me a better mom to you too.

Each and every year I wonder what kind of presents you would want for your birthday, what kind of party you would want to have.  Would we be doing an Extreme Athletics party?  A pool party?  Or would you have chosen a family trip?

Or would you be so significantly delayed/handicapped that a small, family-only party would be our only choice?

That's part of my reality, knowing that if you had lived there would have been a significant chance of severe handicaps/delays.  Life on this earth may have been extremely difficult and possibly even painful for you.  And still a selfish part of me wishes you were here despite any hardships you may have faced.  But a much larger part of me is so happy for you.  Happy that you feel no pain, that you watch over us, that we don't have to worry about you because we know you're safe.

When I went to pick up your flowers yesterday the florist didn't have any ready.  Apparently they lost my order or just didn't have it made in time, I really don't know.  But it completely broke my heart to be forced to just pick something that they just had sitting around or else leave with nothing for you.  I called early, I wanted you to have something special.  I wanted to scream at them, there wasn't a single arrangement there I really liked.  But what choice did I have?  So I picked the green and white ones since my only other choices were girly or baby blue.  They're not good enough but they'll have to do this year.

I love you so much sweet boy and I hope you are having an amazing 7th Birthday Party in Heaven!

-Mommy

Two

Emily,

My sweet, sweet baby girl!  I am absolutely blown away how fast the past two years have passed!  The day you were born was such a miracle and you continue to be a huge blessing in my life.  You fulfill my dreams of having a little princess in the house.

"Princess" is actually your new favorite word and you LOVE wearing outfits with princess on them, dressing in princess dresses or wearing a crown.  You also love clothes in general, jewelry, play shoes and your "bag".  You also love animals, especially cats.  Kitty goes just about everywhere with us.

You love to cuddle with mama but now if I ask for a kiss you say no just to tease me.  You are definitely stubborn and adventurous.  You climb everything you can reach and chase your big brother everywhere.  You want to do everything he does even if it means getting hurt.

You love Frozen, Tangled, Sophia the First and Doc McStuffins.  You know most of the songs and you sing and dance every time you hear music.  I love watching you twirl around our living room, listening to you sing and having dance parties with you.  At Christmas Pappaw danced with you and now when you turn on music you typically hold out two hands for the closest person to dance with.

You are not a big fan of riding in your car seat but you love going to the zoo and seeing all the animals.  There's not really any food you don't like but you have moments when you refuse to eat unless we give you a fork.  You typically pick up the food, put it on the fork and then put it in your mouth, but you're learning.  You like to color but all the crayons have to be dumped out before you're done.  And we have to keep them put away because you will color on the table, the floor, yourself, or any other available surface.  You are constantly into something!  We have to keep anything we don't want you getting a hold of locked up or you will get it somehow.  You love getting Daddy's wallet which will probably be a trend that continues throughout your life ;)

You are such a good little sister and you love your brother more than anyone else.  Even when he's being bossy you typically give him what he wants without any fuss.  Earlier this week Eli told me that you were going to be his "Mom" (he meant wife) when you grow up.  I explained that he can't marry you because you are his sister, but I think that really shows how much he loves you.

We love you so much sweet girl!  You completed our family and I don't know what we would do without you.    I absolutely love watching you grow!  And even though I wish time would slow down, I'm so excited to see who you become!

Love always,
Mommy

4

Eli,

I absolutely cannot believe you are 4 years old!  My heart nearly stops every time you say that after 4 you'll be 5.  I really wish I could slow down time.  I am hoping this year passes very slowly but I know it's going to fly by like all the others.

You are such a sweet boy!  We've had our fair share of troubles but it warms my heart every time you say "Mommy, I love you" out of nowhere.  You share your love so easily to everyone around you and, even though it might cause you some heartache down the road, I hope you always do.  You are the best big brother to Emily.  You've been known to say "Good morning sweet princess" when she wakes up and you will do anything and everything for her even when we want her to do it herself.  You love nothing more than playing with your daddy, whether it be trains, planes, cars or animals.  And you're almost always willing to help me.

You are still obsessed with trains.  We went to Chattanooga last month to take you on a birthday train trip and the memories we made won't ever be forgotten.  I wonder nearly every day if trains are going to be a lifetime passion of yours or if one day you're going to wake up and move on to something else.

You are super smart too.  We have spent the last 6 months or so teaching you letters and how to write them.  You have even memorized 26 Bible verses and 3 prayers (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, Our Father and Hail Mary).

You like chicken nuggets, pizza and pancakes.  And last weekend you happily ate a cheeseburger for the first time, I'm hoping that leads to you liking more foods that you formerly hated.  Your favorite color changes every time I ask you but you seem to choose green most often when you are just picking colors for things.  Your favorite word recently is "Awesome" and this year you have started singing full songs.  It seems like you hear a song once or twice and you know all the words.  You're not a big fan of movies because they always have a bad guy of some sort but you LOVE happy endings when you do watch them.

My heart fills with so much love every time I look at you or think of you.  Tuesday morning I told you it was 4 days until your birthday and you said "then I'll be 9 and 10 and 11" and I told you that it would be a while before then and you replied "it'll be a lot of days and then I'll be a grown up like you", the thought of that makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I know it's going to pass in the blink of an eye.  I looked at you and saw a flash of you all grown up and I said "We'll always be buddies, even when you're grown up, right?", you said yep with a big grin on your face.

I love you sweet boy!

-Mommy

Happy 6th Birthday!

Oh my sweet boy!  How is it even possible that six years have passed since I first looked at your precious face?  This year is especially painful because all of the dates fall on the same days of the week.  Plus we lost Callie just over a month ago which brought the pain of losing you back in an unexpected way. 

I wanted to get out your scrapbook just the other day to take a picture of your tiny footprints and the safe was stuck.  I had a terrifying moment thinking I may never see or hold your things again.  Thankfully with the help of Google and a rubber mallet I was able to get into the safe.  We bought a new one, one less likely to get stuck closed.  We have taken every measure possible to ensure that we will always have your things, and to think that the safe we thought was protecting them might keep them from us was scary.  I know they are just "things" but they are the only physical connection I have left with you.

You are always, always in our hearts and I look forward to the day I will hold you again in my arms.  Until then, we will continue to remember you, and celebrate your birthday with cake and ice cream and a visit to your spot with new flowers.

I love you with all of my heart.  I wish every day that things had turned out differently, that our time together didn't end so quickly.  But I also know that I wouldn't be who I am if your story was different.  And I know that God's plan, for you and for me, is perfect, just like you. 

Please be close by my side during the next few weeks.  I'm going to need all the support I can get to get through them without breaking down.

Love you,
Mom