Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Unanswered Prayers

My husband is a HUGE Garth Brooks fan.  We own all of his CDs and they are all "first editions". 

My husband has been to A LOT of music concerts.  But never seen his all time favorite musician live. 
So for Christmas I got Doug tickets to a Garth concert.  Because of the upcoming concert date, when we saw a commercial saying that Garth was going to be on The Tonight Show, we tuned in.  And because of seeing that show, we learned of a Lifetime movie that had been made called Unanswered Prayers, which was based on Garth's song by the same title.  In case you are not familiar, the song can best be summed up in one line: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".  We recorded the movie so that we wouldn't miss it.

While I was sitting there watching the movie, I started thinking about my unanswered prayers and how/if they were "some of God's greatests gifts". 

I've had lots of unanswered prayers in my lifetime. 

I prayed that we wouldn't have to move miles away from my friends and family in Kentucky when my Dad lost his job.  We moved 5 1/2 hours away.  But I made more friends that have truly blessed my life.

I prayed that I would get to leave Alabama to go to college.  Having moved here when I was in 8th grade, I thought I hated it and I wanted nothing more than to get away.  But that prayer went unanswered and instead, I attended a college that I love and now work at.  And I met and married THE guy.

I prayed for months that we would be able to buy this one house that we really, really wanted.  Our contract was cancelled when someone else, without a contingency, made an offer.  We later found out the house had wood rot.

I prayed for a little girl the second time around.  I was so afraid of having another preemie I wanted my baby to have better odds on her side.  But God knew better.  He knew this baby wasn't going to be a preemie and he knew I needed to face my fears. 

I have really been blessed by unanswered prayers!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Lately I've been having a deep struggle with myself.  How do I love both of my boys?

After our big ultrasound with Logan, I couldn't put down the pictures.  I knew right then that I loved that little boy or girl more than I had ever thought possible.  It was a bigger love than I had ever experienced before. 

But when Logan was born he was whisked away and there was no bonding time for us.  I did get to see him before they took him to the NICU, but there was no touching at all.  And I had been expecting a girl.  For the 17 days that Logan lived, I spent most of my time in the NICU, but, to be honest, for the first few days, I went because that's what everyne expected me to do.  It wasn't until the first time I held him, four days after he was born, that I really felt that heart-bursting love again.  But even though I didn't realize it at the time, it faded again.  I remember one day, feeling extremely upset about the whole situation and crying on the shoulder of one of Logan's nurses.  She told me something then that I'll never forget.  I was feeling so depressed but feeling that way made me feel guilty because Logan was right there, doing very well at that point.  I didn't understand until the nurse said that it was completely natural.  That because of the entire hospital stay and all the drama of the NICU, it was totally natural for me to be depressed.  I told her what I was too afraid to tell anyone else, that when I looked at my little boy there was a disconnect, that I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby.   That's when she said that was okay too and that I had to allow myself time to mourn for the little girl I "lost".  Because even though I didn't really lose a baby girl, I lost the dreams of the little girl that I had been having for over a week before Logan was born.

Fast forward to Oct. 4, 2010.  As soon as Eli was born and they put him on top of me, I touched him and held him and a love that I cannot explain washed over me.  And every single time I look at him I, I feel it again.  It doesn't matter if he's smiling or crying, it's there and it fills my heart in a way I never dreamed was possible. 

But every time it happens, there's a pang of guilt that follows.  How come I didn't feel that exact same way when I looked at Logan?  Why don't I feel it when I look at pictures of him now?  Is there a way to make that feeling come?

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, I love Logan .  I always have and I always will.  But when I look at Eli and my heart almost bursts, I can't help but wonder if I love Logan enough.

Monday, December 6, 2010

2 Months

Eli is 2 months old now and growing soo fast!  He had his checkup today and weighs 13 lbs. which puts him in the 88th percentile.  He is 23 inches long, the 80th percentile.  Dr. P said he's a little chunky for his height but not so much that we need to do anything about it.

Dr. P also said that Eli is a little bit ahead developmentally.  He remarked at how much "trunk control" Eli had for his age.  He's holding his head up on his own almost all the time now.  He talks to us and his toys often, grins all the time and laughs every once in a while.  He is wearing 0-3 month clothes and size 1 diapers, although he could really use a size 2 at this point, I'm just trying to use up the 1s I have left.

Watching him grow has been so much fun for me.  And yet, there is sadness in every new thing we do.  My mom and I took him to see Santa this weekend and as I stood there in line, I kept thinking about what it would have been like if Logan was there with us.  Logan would be 2 1/2 now and would most likely be very excited about Santa this year.  Eli, on the otherhand, slept pretty much through the whole experience. 

I wonder how Logan would be as a big brother. 

I wonder how my two boys would be alike. 

And how they would be different. 

I wonder what Santa would bring Logan for Christmas. 

And how bright his face would shine when he saw the toys sitting under the tree.

It will be a fun Christmas this year.  Filled with loving on Eli and spending time as a family with our families.  But I'll still be wondering...

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I said this before, but I'm gonna say it again.  It's amazing how God works!

There is someone I work with who was expecting his first child back in March of this year.  I had no idea that his wife was pregnant until he emailed me about the picture I had of Logan in the signature of my email.  I don't usually have a picture of him in my signature but this was during the time right before the March of Dimes walk and I was trying to raise money.  My friend emailed me to tell me that he thought of Logan and I everytime he got an email from me and that it really touched him because he was expecting a son.  I'm not even sure I knew I was pregnant with Eli when the initial conversation started.  As we neared the end of March, we all knew that his baby could be coming any time and we were waiting for the day when he had to leave work to go to the hospital.  His wife went past due and they continued to wait.  Finally the day came at the very end of March that the little boy was born and I got an email from my friend with his birth info and mentioning that there were a couple of small issues and the baby had been transferred to a High Risk Nursery.

It wasn't until after my cerclage that I heard that the little boy had passed away.  He had a rare disease and there was nothing anyone could do.  His passing was kept from me because some of the people were afraid it would worry me too much in the days before my surgery.  I immediately got their address and mailed them a bear as well as adding them to my prayer list.

Right before I left for maternity leave, my friend told me that they were expecting again.  Yesterday I spoke to my friend for the first time since I returned and he asked about Eli and I asked about his baby.  They are expecting another boy around the same time that the first child was born.  He started telling me how this pregnancy was soo very different for his wife than the previous one.  He said she had had nightmares about the baby dying during her first pregnancy (I had nightmares with Logan as well) and now she was dreaming about food (my dreams with Eli were centered around kittens). 

Talking to him, I felt like I was being debriefed about my own post-loss pregnancy.  As many people as I have supporting me, I don't know many that have lost a child.  It is always so much easier to talk to those that have lost.  While we talked, we said our angels' names, we referred to them as children, not just dead babies, as so many people do.  Our journeys have been very similar and yet very different.  I almost cried tears of joy and sadness talking to him.  It was as if talking to him helped me finally shed the last layers of stress and emotion from my pregnancy.  And at the same time, I realize that they are currently carrying that load. 

It's amazing to me that we were put in each other's lives.  That God chose to have us work together even though we work miles apart.  I wish we had never had reason to make this connection, but I'm so glad that when we are travelling a tough road, God puts people in our lives to help us through.