Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2 Weeks

Eli is two weeks old and he has already changed so much.  He is sleeping quite well, both during the day and at night, in fact on Sunday night he slept through the night and last night he only woke once.  I don't know if that is going to continue but I sure hope so!

We have had a very busy two weeks.  Doug was off until last Thursday.  We went to a balloon release on Friday.  Then on Saturday we had a Welcome Home party and on Sunday Eli was baptized. 

Spending time as a family for a whole week was wonderful.  It's not often that Doug and I get to just hang out and be together, there's always something we need to get done, but last week we really just spent time together.  A friend had completely cleaned our house before we got home from the hospital and several people brought us food, so we really didn't have to do much besides just enjoying each other and Eli.

The balloon release on Friday was wonderful.  I got to meet someone that I have been talking with for a while now, but had never met in person.  I also found out that a couple of people that I already knew had lost children.  I had not known about their losses previously.  It was so nice to see all of the balloons flying up together.  And amazing to watch all of the brothers and sisters chasing after the balloons as they flew higher and higher in the sky. 

It was so nice to get to see so many people on Saturday and to have everyone get to meet Eli.  I got some wonderful pictures of each person that came with Eli and you can tell in each and every picture how much this little boy is loved.  We were especially blessed that Doug's grandmother was able to come to the shower and love on Eli.  (I am so looking forward to seeing my two grandmothers with him.)  We also got a LOT of wonderful gifts from so many people.  We are truly blessed with wonderful friends and family.

On Sunday Eli was baptized, and what a ceremony it was!  My best friend and Eli's godmother (who is also Logan's godmother) came down from Kentucky, along with her mother, who is my godmother.  It was so wonderful to spend time with them, because we live so far away, it happens way to infrequently.  The ceremony itself was... interesting.  First of all, Eli's baptism took place during Mass on Sunday.  In the middle of the homily (sermon for those of you who are not Catholic) our priest says "Is she okay?"  When I turned around to see who he was talking to, I saw an elderly lady falling in her seat.  Father went back to check on her and Eli's godmother and her mom (who are both nurses) quickly went back to check on the lady.  My heart was sinking because I wasn't sure what was going on, but thankfully it was determined that the lady had simply passed out.  Then, after Eli was baptized Father went to hand me a towel to wipe off his head.  About the time I was going to grab the towel Eli moved and I had to readjust my hand to continue supporting his head.  And the towel landed right in the baptismal font!  Thankfully Eli's godfather grabbed the towel and wrang out the water so that we could use it to wipe up the majority of the water.  I can definitely say, I will NEVER forget Eli's baptism.

While we were standing at the front of the church, listening to the priest's words of blessing and prayer during the baptism, it was everything I could do not to cry.  I was unable to attend Logan's baptism at the hospital and standing there holding Eli, it really hit me.  But I also felt so grateful that Logan was baptized and that Doug got to be there with him.

One of the hardest things for me since Eli was born, is the resemblance I see between Logan and Eli.  Especially when Eli is sleeping (most of the time with his mouth wide open), I see a lot of Logan in him.  It's hard because he reminds me of the way Logan looked shortly before and after his death.  I have to explain that Logan swelled a lot in the last few days before he died because of his kidneys failing.  The swelling made him look more like a normal newborn because he didn't seem as small anymore.  And after he died, the swelling remained.  It's that swollen Logan that Eli reminds me of and there are moments when my heart races because I am so terrified that Eli has left us as well.  I doubt I am really explaining this very well, and that's mostly because there are some details I just don't want to talk about with anyone other than Doug.  But what I'm trying to explain is that the entire ride back from Alabaster to Troy with Logan I was staring at him, having to convince myself he was gone, not just sleeping.  And with Eli, I often look at him and have to convince myself that he is just sleeping, not gone.  Many times the only noticeable difference is the slight rise and fall of his tiny chest.  It's something I am adjusting to and I am getting less and less worried every day. 

And sitting here right now, holding my little miracle and feeling his every breath and every move, is the most wonderful feeling in the world! 

I have posted a separate post below, with pictures from the party and baptism.


Eli's "kung fu" pose.  He does this almost every time we put him in his pack n' play and most of the time he opens his mouth wide too.
Diaper cake
This is the mini cupcake cake my sister made for the party.  It was her very first time making anything like this.  Sorry I can't figure out how to rotate this picture.
 Four generations.
 I thought this was so sweet.  The little girl is Eli's second cousin (at least I think that's right).
 Family photo before Eli's baptism.

Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

It's a day I didn't even know existed 3 years ago.  But two years ago it became very important to me.  Every year I light a candle in memory of Logan and all the other babies that have been lost.  The candle also reminds me of all the other families out there who are celebrating the day of remembrance as well. 

And this year I will be celebrating with other babyloss mamas at a balloon release in my community.  And I'm really looking forward to it.  I have met some amazing women online and they have helped me through some of the roughest times in the past two years just by being there to talk to.  But tomorrow I'm going to get to meet some amazing women, who have walked a similar road.  I'm sure that some of them will be further in their journey than I am and others won't be as far.  But all of us will be together, to support each other and remember each and every one of the lost babies. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy Birth Day Eli!!

Well, today was a wonderful day!  We checked into the hospital at 5:30 this morning and Eli was born at 11:53am.  He weighed 8 lbs. 2 oz. and is 21 inches long. 

The birth was amazingly peaceful, even though Dr. Hancock didn't make it in time.  When she walked through the door she threw up her hands and said "I can't believe I missed it!" 

Holding Eli immediately after he was born was an amazing feeling for me.  Hearing him cry, led me to tears.  And the emotions running through me, even now, are completely unexplainable. 

I cannot stop thanking God for the gift he has given us in Eli.  I am truly realizing every single minute I spend with Eli, the many things I missed with Logan.  And yet I know that I was extremely lucky to have been given so much time with Logan.  17 days is something so many of the other angel mommies I know didn't get.   Some of them didn't even get hours with their children and I got over 2 weeks.  And spending this time with Eli is making me even more grateful than I ever thought I could be for the time we got with Logan. 

One of these days I will probably try putting these emotions into words but for right now, I'm going to spend some more time with my son.  Loving on him as much as I can.  Holding him as much as I can.  Looking at him as much as I can.  And thanking God for EVERY single second! 

 Our first family photo

 Doug and Eli

 Eli next to the Logan doll.  That's one BIG, little brother!