Eleven Whole Years

Eleven whole years have passed in a blink. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling this week.  I miss you so, so very much. I know I was blessed to have the time I had with you and to have your brother and sister in my life now, but I'm not feeling very blessed right now.

So many days I find it easy to remember the good things.  The days you were tucked safely inside of me, the days I held you or just held your tiny hand, the days you sucked your paci, the little noises I got to hear you make. 

But right now all I can seem to think about is the things I missed.  Nursing you, teaching you to walk and talk, learning about your favorite things, seeing you go to school, watching you interact with your brother and sister.  I wish I could see it all.

I find myself wishing once again that we were celebrating your birthday with you.  That we were having your favorite dessert instead of cake with an icing color your brother and sister will likely fight over.  I wish I could spend time in your bed talking about all the fun things we've done while you've been 10 like I do with Eli and Emily.

I know I should take comfort in the time we had and in knowing that you are in a place free of pain and sorrow.  But it's not happening this week.  Hopefully next week I'll go back to that place where I don't feel sad all the time.  Where I feel your presence instead of a huge gaping hole in my heart. Maybe next week I'll have a smile for your birthday but for now it's just tears. And as always, all my love, hopefully that's enough.

Love,
Mommy