Sunday, October 4, 2015



Five whole years!  Five whole years have passed since that first day when they placed you in my arms.  I honestly cannot believe it has already been 5 years.  And every time I think about that it flashes in my brain that in 5 more years you'll be 10!

But let's not think about that for now.  For now let's think about now.  You started Pre-K this year and you've been a rock star for the most part!  For the first 6 weeks or so you got all but 2 pinks (best possible) and those 2 days you got blue (second best)!  And you are loving school.  Every day you come home excited to tell us something new you learned or to teach us a new song.

You also started soccer this year and you're are really enjoying it and doing very well at all positions.  You've played goalie, offense and defense and while you're not the top scorer and you have been scored on, you are doing really good and getting better every game.

But soccer had led to a red at school (worst possible) and an orange (second worst).  I know it's just because you are tired from school and soccer but we are doing our best to teach you that being tired is not an excuse for bad behavior.  We have 4 games left over the next 2 weeks so hopefully they will be better.

You specifically asked for a Spiderman birthday at Xtreme Athletics this year and then you told us that you wanted all the kids to have capes so you could pretend you were saving people.  That's when we realized that even though you said Spiderman you meant Superman.  So we ended up doing a superhero birthday and Mammaw and I managed to make capes for the kids.  You had a blast!

It seems like you have hit a growth spurt over the summer and suddenly nothing is fitting.  I'm slowly getting rid of all the pants and pjs that are too small and then last week we realized that even your underwear were too small :)  I cried the night that we bought the next size up and they actually fit you better than I expected.

What can I say, you are growing up in every way.  You are taking on more responsibilities: feeding the cats and sometimes the dogs; doing dishes and wiping off the table, picking out your own clothes and ready almost completely by yourself some mornings.  One morning you even made your own toast!

I'm not ready for you to grow up but at the same time I love watching you.  I love seeing little pieces of the person you are becoming each day.  I hope you always stay as helpful and loving as you are now.  I hope you keep on loving trains or find something else you are just as passionate about.  You are the best son and big brother around and we love you very, very, very much!  Happy Birthday big boy!


Saturday, June 27, 2015


Oh my dear sweet Logan, how can I possibly explain how much I truly miss you?  You would be seven years old today.  Heading for the second grade.  All of the things we are about to do for the first time with Eli should be old hat for us: sports, school shopping, meeting teachers.  If you were here in our arms we would have traveled this road before.  But instead we're facing it all for the first time and wondering what it would have looked like if we'd gotten to do it all with you.

Every year the days between June 16 - July 14 are so hard on me.  The rest of the year I can stay busy for the most part with your brother and sister and even though I think of you daily, it doesn't hit me the same way.  But every year during these 4 weeks I lose my breath when I think of you.  I feel like I could cry at a moments notice and everything seems to relate to you in some way.  Just lately I've realized how unprepared I was when you were born.  I wasn't a very good mom during those 17 days. I mean, sure, I did all the things I was supposed to do.  I pumped and visited the NICU often.  I thought about you non-stop.  But I didn't know how to be a good mom then.  I didn't know how to sit beside your bed and just be there.  Sometimes when we came to visit I felt like I was just checking in on you.  I didn't know what to do except stare at you.  Some of that is because I was being watched (or at least felt like I was).  We never had alone time you and me.  There were nurses, family members, friends... if we could have just been alone maybe I would have known what to say to you or felt comfortable singing to you or telling you a story.  I wish I had been brave enough to do those things anyway.  But I know that I am a better mom to Eli and Emily than I ever could have been without you.  I hug them and kiss them and tell them I love them more often because I don't get to do those things with you.  I hope that taking that lesson makes me a better mom to you too.

Each and every year I wonder what kind of presents you would want for your birthday, what kind of party you would want to have.  Would we be doing an Extreme Athletics party?  A pool party?  Or would you have chosen a family trip?

Or would you be so significantly delayed/handicapped that a small, family-only party would be our only choice?

That's part of my reality, knowing that if you had lived there would have been a significant chance of severe handicaps/delays.  Life on this earth may have been extremely difficult and possibly even painful for you.  And still a selfish part of me wishes you were here despite any hardships you may have faced.  But a much larger part of me is so happy for you.  Happy that you feel no pain, that you watch over us, that we don't have to worry about you because we know you're safe.

When I went to pick up your flowers yesterday the florist didn't have any ready.  Apparently they lost my order or just didn't have it made in time, I really don't know.  But it completely broke my heart to be forced to just pick something that they just had sitting around or else leave with nothing for you.  I called early, I wanted you to have something special.  I wanted to scream at them, there wasn't a single arrangement there I really liked.  But what choice did I have?  So I picked the green and white ones since my only other choices were girly or baby blue.  They're not good enough but they'll have to do this year.

I love you so much sweet boy and I hope you are having an amazing 7th Birthday Party in Heaven!


Saturday, January 17, 2015



My sweet, sweet baby girl!  I am absolutely blown away how fast the past two years have passed!  The day you were born was such a miracle and you continue to be a huge blessing in my life.  You fulfill my dreams of having a little princess in the house.

"Princess" is actually your new favorite word and you LOVE wearing outfits with princess on them, dressing in princess dresses or wearing a crown.  You also love clothes in general, jewelry, play shoes and your "bag".  You also love animals, especially cats.  Kitty goes just about everywhere with us.

You love to cuddle with mama but now if I ask for a kiss you say no just to tease me.  You are definitely stubborn and adventurous.  You climb everything you can reach and chase your big brother everywhere.  You want to do everything he does even if it means getting hurt.

You love Frozen, Tangled, Sophia the First and Doc McStuffins.  You know most of the songs and you sing and dance every time you hear music.  I love watching you twirl around our living room, listening to you sing and having dance parties with you.  At Christmas Pappaw danced with you and now when you turn on music you typically hold out two hands for the closest person to dance with.

You are not a big fan of riding in your car seat but you love going to the zoo and seeing all the animals.  There's not really any food you don't like but you have moments when you refuse to eat unless we give you a fork.  You typically pick up the food, put it on the fork and then put it in your mouth, but you're learning.  You like to color but all the crayons have to be dumped out before you're done.  And we have to keep them put away because you will color on the table, the floor, yourself, or any other available surface.  You are constantly into something!  We have to keep anything we don't want you getting a hold of locked up or you will get it somehow.  You love getting Daddy's wallet which will probably be a trend that continues throughout your life ;)

You are such a good little sister and you love your brother more than anyone else.  Even when he's being bossy you typically give him what he wants without any fuss.  Earlier this week Eli told me that you were going to be his "Mom" (he meant wife) when you grow up.  I explained that he can't marry you because you are his sister, but I think that really shows how much he loves you.

We love you so much sweet girl!  You completed our family and I don't know what we would do without you.    I absolutely love watching you grow!  And even though I wish time would slow down, I'm so excited to see who you become!

Love always,