Breathtaking

It seems like just yesterday I was a little girl playing house and now all of a sudden I'm a mom to two beautiful blessings.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotion just looking at them.  I'm talking breath-taking awe that they came from me.  Just today Eli was running down the hall and as I was telling him to stop running (because of his broken leg) it hit me once again, that feeling of unconditional, indescribable love.

The amazing part for me is I have loved other people's kids before.  When I was a kid my mom took care of a little girl from down the street and I loved her.  When my friend and I played house, she was my baby.  My sister and I always found creative ways to make her laugh, like head-banging to "Big Guitar".  Then I got older and started babysitting myself.  I loved a little girl who once said the f-word to me at 3 years old, another who was terrified of the toilet and a 4 year old with a head full of curls.  As I got older I fell in love with my friends' children and I honestly could not imagine loving my own children more.

I dreamed of my kids for as long as I can remember, their names changed throughout the years, as did their appearance and their imagined daddy.  And when I was wheeled into the NICU and introduced to Logan for the first time, I can remember wondering if it was all real.  In a way those 2 weeks are some of the most vivid memories of my life but at the same time they seem like a dream.  

When the nurse put Eli on my chest I could hardly believe it was real.  And as he has grown I've found myself holding on for the ride, sometimes wishing that this stage or that would be over or hurry up.  And then he looks at me and calls me mommy and it stops me in my tracks...

How did it go so fast? From playing dolls to being charged with taking care of and teaching these two.  How do I get this across to them, not to rush life away and to enjoy every experience.  How do I teach myself that same lesson?

Sitting there watching Eli today I almost had to remind myself that he's not just another kid I love, the love that overwhelms me is explained every time he looks at me, cause he calls me mom.

Future

In a way, I feel like I am starting this post the same way I started this blog, in a state of mourning.  And yet so much is different.  Four years ago I was mourning Logan and I will continue to for the rest of my life.  But today I'm also mourning lost dreams, 2 little souls that never existed and never will exist.  In fact, our plan only included one of them anyway, but both of them existed in different dreams for me.  Conner Phillip and Olivia Louise, the two names we had picked for our last child.  I had dreams for whichever one would join our family.  But today I know that (most likely) neither of them will.

I think Doug and I both knew as soon as things got interesting in the delivery room that most likely Emily was our last.  We started talking about that reality in the hospital and continued to talk about it in the weeks after Emily was born.  I tried dealing with it then, but it's just not the same as the moment when your doctor actually tells you.

The thing is, I know how blessed I am to have the 3 children I have.  I know that I am blessed to have 2 of them with me here on earth.  The issue that caused Logan to be born so early could have caused the death of all of my children.  God could have chosen not to give us any more after Logan or to not even give us Logan. I know God's plan is perfect.  But even knowing all of that, it still hurts to know that I will never carry another baby inside me.  I will never bring another life into this world.

I'm almost sure that I would have had some of the same feelings after a fourth baby was born.  Knowing that this part of my life is over, even by my choice, would have been an adjustment.  And in a way, I'm glad that God chose to give us this definite answer about future children rather than us questioning whether or not we should have more.  I imagine that if we had the opportunity to have another child I would have mourned whichever one I didn't get.  I imagine almost every woman who has children grieves to some extent when the opportunity to have more has ended.

So I am doing my very best to soak up every moment with Eli and Emily.  I don't want to miss a minute with them because I know very soon they'll be grown and there won't be another baby behind them.  I want to remember all the silly little things like the noises a tiny baby makes and the way they curl their little bodies when you pick them up.  And the big things like learning to crawl, talk and walk.

The grief I am feeling for Conner and Olivia is nowhere near as intense as the grief I felt for Logan.  I never heard their heart beats, felt them move or held them in my arms... but it is just as valid.

Emily's Birth Story

If you haven't already heard, Emily Rebecca arrived on Jan. 17 at 5:17 pm (that's 17:17 military time!) and weighed 8 lbs. 5.6 oz and was 20 3/4 in. long.

I had my cerclage removed on Jan. 14 and while the procedure went ok a little piece was stuck in my cervix.  My doctor told me that it was still in there but that the knot was out so when I started dilating it would simply fall out.  I had contractions pretty regularly at first and was beginning to think we might just have a baby that day or at least in the next day or two when they just slowed down and then went away.  The next day my doctor checked me again just to make sure everything was ok and she said I was only dilated 1 cm.  I have to admit that I was somewhat depressed because I knew that in order for my doctor to induce me at 39 weeks I had to be 2 cm dilated.  I love being pregnant but the last few weeks are difficult and I was very ready to meet my little girl.

On Wednesday we walked a little at the mall and that night I had a few contractions but as soon as I laid down they went away.  Thursday morning the contractions started pretty early for me but I didn't want to get my hopes (or anyone else's) up.  So I timed them by myself until they started coming every 3-4 min. for about 30 min.  By the time I told my mom they were pretty intense and very regular so we warned Doug and called the doctor's office to find out when I should go to the hospital (since I have the issues with my cervix I'm a little different).  The nurse suggested that I go ahead in and just get checked so mom and I headed to the hospital and called Doug to meet us.

Here's where the story gets a little crazy and a lot miraculous.  I was having tons of very painful contractions but they weren't showing on the monitor as strong as they felt.  In addition, every time I was checked (and they checked several times because I kept complaining) I was still only 1 cm.  Just as the nurse was coming to tell me that because I wasn't progressing I had to either go home or walk around the hospital my water broke.  She checked me again and said my water was definitely broken but I was still only 1 cm dilated.  She told us she was going to get me a room (I was in a recovery area to be monitored) and would be right back.  In less than 5 min. I told Doug he HAD to get her back in the room because Emily was coming.  She came in, checked and said "how is this possible, you're complete" then she told Doug to go get help.  They got me in a room, the doctor walked in, introduced herself (mine was out sick that day) and said "ok, you can push next time you have a contraction".  It wasn't long before the next one hit me and out Emily came.

Once Doug cut the cord the doctor set to work on me.  We learned that my cervix never dilated past 1 cm.  My uterus actually ruptured, allowing her birth.  It took quite a while and another doctor to repair the damage that was done.

At first I really had no understanding of how serious it was but then I started to catch on and notice all of the amazing little miracles that led to me holding our beautiful little girl.

First the second doctor who came in just happened to be in the hospital at that moment.  He is a very experienced doctor and was able to repair my uterus without giving me a hysterectomy and without even having to take me to an operating room and sedate me.  Doug and Emily were with me the entire time.

Second, according to one of my nurses I didn't lose nearly as much blood as would have been expected considering what happened.  She said that red-heads tend to lose more blood than others but by a miracle I lost less and they were able to make the repairs instead of removing my uterus.

Third, I was still at the hospital even though I had been there for several hours without progressing at all.  All of the measurable signs said that I was not actually in labor, but the nurses could look at me and tell something wasn't quite right, even though they didn't know what it was.  I was told by several nurses that they had never seen anything like what happened to me in their entire careers.  They said they had seen uterine abruptions but never any that ended without an emergency c-section.  The nurse practitioner from the NICU (who just came to visit us because she had treated Logan) told us that most uterine abruptions don't end with such good results for both baby and mama.  And everyone, including both doctors, told me over and over again what an amazing job I had done with as little medication as I received.

We still don't know the full implications of this experience.  There's a chance that Emily was our last miracle.  But I know that God was there and orchestrated the entire thing.  And however it all works out I know His plan is perfect... down to the verse we chose for Emily before we had any idea that any of this would happen.  I personally feel like it ties this whole story together with a nice little bow:

"For You created my innermost being: You knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  --Psalm 139:13-14

Time Flies

We have had such a wonderful Christmas break.  Doug and I were both off for several days and we've had a lot of wonderful family time with Eli and each of our families.  But as always, the Christmas holidays have been busy, busy, busy.  And that's not going to change for us until Emily decides to make her appearance.

Things have been so crazy that we haven't stuck to Eli's routine much at all and while he's very laid back and handles change pretty well, enough was enough on Friday.  He was completely out of sorts almost all day and by the time we got to bed time he just couldn't calm down.  So while Doug took a shower, I took him into Emily's room and rocked him in the glider.  He would ask me to sing and then, when he started to fall asleep would say "Stop it mama!".  Eventually he let go and fell asleep while I kept rocking, waiting for Doug to be able to put him in his bed.

While I sat there holding him all I could think was how long it had been since he allowed me to rock him.  He's never been much of a rocker, preferring to be left alone in his bed to fall asleep but early on we would sit together and rock, especially when he was nursing.  Being pregnant makes it difficult to hold him, even when he wants to be held and I know it's not going to get any easier when I have two clamoring for my attention.  And it won't be long before he's too big to rock at all.

It also occurred to me that in just a few weeks I will be sitting in that same chair with Emily, rocking her.  It seems like just yesterday that I was dancing with Eli in my bathroom after getting that first positive test.  And now we're only 5 weeks or so away from her arrival.  I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty uncomfortable the last couple weeks and I don't think it's going to get any better until she's here, but I know I'm going to miss being pregnant when she does.

It's just crazy how it seems like each day lasts forever and then you look back and months and years have passed in the blink of an eye.

8 Months

I'm kind of finding it hard to believe that I'm already 8 months pregnant and that Emily very possibly could be  here next month!  We've got her room completely ready for her, car seat adjusted back to newborn size, Eli's riding in the big boy car seat and we've even had maternity pictures made! 

We decided to do a baby package this time because we know our lives are going to be a LOT busier this time around and my friend who took the pictures of Eli is a lot busier too now that she has a baby of her own.  We have found an awesome photographer to work with us, she was amazing with Eli at our first shoot and I already feel like we're friends just from the email exchanges we've had.  Check her out on Facebook at  PhotosByMoe or her website: http://www.photos-by-moe.com/. 

Here are just a few of my favorites:

Thankful

I've seen a lot of my friends doing the 30 days of Thankfulness for November and I wanted to do it too, but considering that I forget everything right now, I know better than to think I can remember to post every day. So instead, I've decided to do all 30 at one time.  So here's my list:

1.  Thankful for a loving, merciful God who on my deepest and darkest days holds me close while I rail against Him, promising me that He loves me anyway.

2.  For my husband, who puts up with my mood swings, obsessive need to organize and re-organize while hardly getting anything truly organized, who loves me for me and who works hard day in and out to provide for his family.

3.  For 24 weeks and 6 days with Logan growing inside of me and 17 days with him in the NICU.  Also thankful to know that he is being taken care of in Heaven.

4.  For my wild, sweet, sometimes grumpy 2 year old, he has brought so much light to my life and I am thankful for each and every day I get with him.

5.  For Emily, growing steadily and currently practicing pirouettes :)

6.  For my parents who have been a huge support to me throughout my life, they are always here when we need them whether it's to watch Eli while we work or to cut dressers in half, paint rooms, sew quilts or go to a football game they couldn't care less about just to help me with Eli.

7.  For my sister and brother-in-law for countless times helping us by watching the dogs, getting us chicken and a million other things.

8.  For my in-laws who so readily made me a part of their family.

9.  For a beautiful niece and 2 awesome nephews.

10.  For 3 best friends... I know I am very lucky to have all 3 of them in my life, even if they all live too far away, any and all of you are welcome to move to Troy, AL anytime by the way ;)

11.  For all of the people I consider friends, even the ones I've never met in person

12.  For an awesome church family and a great priest who isn't afraid to address the big issues.

13.  Thankful that Doug and I both have jobs.

14.  Thankful to have a home of our own that I can paint my parents can paint crazy colors just to see if I like it.

15.  For our van that has given us the ability to travel with all of our pets or lots of people and has had no major problems.

16.  For a small neighborhood where there's not much traffic and lots of kids close in age.

17.  For the money we do have, don't get me wrong, it's not much but even though it sometimes feels otherwise, we are far from poor.

18.  Thankful to live in a free country.

19.  For soldiers who are willing to fight for our freedom and the sacrifices their families make.

20.  For our Keurig, I'm not much of a coffee drinker but I love getting a quick cup of hot chocolate with minimal cleaning necessary.

21.  For our pets, we don't get to spend nearly as much time loving on them as we used to but they're always there and happy to see us.

22.  For our dog-sitter, she has made our lives so much easier by being available to watch them while we go out of town.  It's so nice to know that they are not only being cared for with the basics but played with while we are gone.

23.  For days off during the week.  I have 4 of them this month and 8 next month.  I know I'm very lucky!

24.  For Eli's daycare.  The ladies who take care of him love him like he is theirs and their work with him and the other kids pays off hugely, since my 2 year old knows most of the letters of the alphabet, tons of songs and is well-behaved most of the time.

25.  For the people who mow the grass and clean up at Green Hills Cemetery.  We would do the work if we had to but it's so nice to know that when we go visit Logan's spot the grass will not be up to our knees and the flowers will not be spread all over the place.

26.  For my OB, she has been with us through everything, starting with Logan, was a huge support through my pregnancy with Eli and continues to cheer me on and reassure me even now.

27.  For the NICU nurses, who give so much of themselves to every baby and every family that they care for.

28.  For the March of Dimes, November is Prematurity Awareness Month so I would definitely be remiss if I didn't mention them and all of the work they do for babies and families everywhere.

29.  For our godson Brody, even though we don't get to see him often, we are so honored to be his godparents and love watching him grow on Facebook.

30.  For all of my aunts, uncles and cousins as well as my aunts-, uncles- and cousins-in-law.

Honestly, this list doesn't even begin to count all the ways I am blessed and things I am thankful for, but it is a nice reminder!

25 Weeks

It occurred to me today how rarely I have posted during this pregnancy.  I posted after all (or at least almost all) of my doctor appointments when I was pregnant with Eli.  I was so worried about the outcome of that pregnancy that every single day felt like a huge accomplishment.  This time around, it's been very different.  Not that I'm not worried, the truth is that I still worry something will happen.  But I also know that this plan works, that God has a plan for this baby and whatever it is, my doctor and I will be doing everything in our power to get Emily here safely.

Yesterday marked the day that Emily has been growing inside of me longer than Logan did.  I feel so much better knowing that we've made it this far, that even the doctor's consider her big enough to survive.  But still I know that there are no guarantees.

We've been preparing our home for her arrival, decorating her room, buying blankets, sheets, towels, clothes and bows.  We are so ready to welcome her into our lives and yet there is so much left to do.

I have my glucose test next Monday and in three weeks we will be having a 3D/4D ultrasound.  At that point I will be 28 weeks, which is when my doctor declared that we had "made it" with Eli.  I'm looking forward to hearing those words again.

So far my doctor seems pleasantly surprised with the state of my cervix so here's hoping it stays that way until January.  For some reason I have a feeling Emily is going to come on her own and have at least a decent amount of red hair, but we will just have to wait and see...