Future

In a way, I feel like I am starting this post the same way I started this blog, in a state of mourning.  And yet so much is different.  Four years ago I was mourning Logan and I will continue to for the rest of my life.  But today I'm also mourning lost dreams, 2 little souls that never existed and never will exist.  In fact, our plan only included one of them anyway, but both of them existed in different dreams for me.  Conner Phillip and Olivia Louise, the two names we had picked for our last child.  I had dreams for whichever one would join our family.  But today I know that (most likely) neither of them will.

I think Doug and I both knew as soon as things got interesting in the delivery room that most likely Emily was our last.  We started talking about that reality in the hospital and continued to talk about it in the weeks after Emily was born.  I tried dealing with it then, but it's just not the same as the moment when your doctor actually tells you.

The thing is, I know how blessed I am to have the 3 children I have.  I know that I am blessed to have 2 of them with me here on earth.  The issue that caused Logan to be born so early could have caused the death of all of my children.  God could have chosen not to give us any more after Logan or to not even give us Logan. I know God's plan is perfect.  But even knowing all of that, it still hurts to know that I will never carry another baby inside me.  I will never bring another life into this world.

I'm almost sure that I would have had some of the same feelings after a fourth baby was born.  Knowing that this part of my life is over, even by my choice, would have been an adjustment.  And in a way, I'm glad that God chose to give us this definite answer about future children rather than us questioning whether or not we should have more.  I imagine that if we had the opportunity to have another child I would have mourned whichever one I didn't get.  I imagine almost every woman who has children grieves to some extent when the opportunity to have more has ended.

So I am doing my very best to soak up every moment with Eli and Emily.  I don't want to miss a minute with them because I know very soon they'll be grown and there won't be another baby behind them.  I want to remember all the silly little things like the noises a tiny baby makes and the way they curl their little bodies when you pick them up.  And the big things like learning to crawl, talk and walk.

The grief I am feeling for Conner and Olivia is nowhere near as intense as the grief I felt for Logan.  I never heard their heart beats, felt them move or held them in my arms... but it is just as valid.