6/16

This date is imprinted on my brain and I don't guess that's ever going to change.

It kind of snuck up on me this year so you would think it wouldn't have the same effect on me.  But still it does.

My heart is heavy, it feels hard to breathe, tears could fall at any moment.  Some would probably label it anxiety, it doesn't really matter to me what you call it.

I thought it would be different this year because of Eli...

Last night I had an awful nightmare.  In fact, I've had several of them since the beginning of June.  The dreams are always different but they have the same theme.

Thinking about the past 3 years, I wonder if I will be feeling the same way in year 10, year 15, year 20.  Somehow, I think I will.  A part of me, hopes I will.  Because not feeling this way would feel like forgetting.

And I don't EVER want to forget.

8 Months

Today Eli is 8 months old!  He weighs a little over 20 lbs and wears size 3 diapers and 6-9 month clothes.  He's starting to army crawl but can't get his arms and his knees up at the same time yet.

He also LOVES the pool.  He started kicking his legs almost from the first moment we put him in.

We had a very productive day too! After the pool, we took Callie to get groomed and did some shopping.  We got a few things for Eli's birthday party.  Yes, I'm already planning it and have several projects started but I know it will sneak up on me if I don't start early.

We also got flowers for Logan's birthday arrangement.  It's bittersweet to be planning Eli's October birthday and not Logan's for this month.  We have been looking for toys for Eli and I've seen so many things that would be perfect for my 3-year-old.  But I know he has everything he needs and until we join him, we'll celebrate here.

This and That

Things have been quiet around our house, other than the fact that Eli has an ear infection.  I kind of felt like I was overreacting when I took him to the doctor on Monday just because he had a fever but he just wasn't being himself so I did and I'm glad I did.  The antibiotic makes him feel a little yucky but it's better than the screaming from the pain in his ear.

He hasn't let his ear infection slow him down though and started pulling up this week.  He has this little toy that allows a baby to play with it when they are laying down, sitting up and eventually standing and every time I put him in front of it he pulls right up.

He's also trying so hard to figure out crawling.  Last night he got up on his hands and knees and scooted back a little but didn't get far.  I don't think it will be long before my little monster is mobile!

The March & 7 Months

Well, things around our house have been very crazy the past couple of weeks.  Since the tornadoes hit Doug has been working a lot.  It's finally getting better and yesterday Doug made it home before Eli and I went to bed.

The March for Babies last weekend went pretty well.  I ended up raising $213 and Doug raised $450.  I had been practicing what I was going to say over and over again and had timed it at about 5 min. which I didn't think was too bad.  Well, when the program started we were standing to the side of the stage and I heard the director tell the Ambassador Family (who spoke right before me) that they had 3 min.  I panicked a little bit because I wasn't sure if I was under the same restriction.  So while the Ambassador Family was speaking I was thinking through in my mind how to shorten my story.  After hearing their story, we were called up to the stage and I had already started crying.  I made it through though and I didn't stumble too bad and it wasn't too long.  As I walked off the stage the director gave me a big hug and when I got down, the mom from the Ambassador Family was making a beeline for me.  She hugged me too and just said some encouraging words, thanking me for telling my story.  It felt so good to stand there with someone on the other side who knows what we went through those days in the hospital and NICU.  She'll probably never know how much it meant to me that she did that.  At the end of the program Doug and I released the balloons that are released every year in memory of the babies who don't survive and then we walked.  We walked two miles through a nice wooded path and I was so glad we brought the jogging stroller.

Yesterday Eli turned 7 months old!  We weighed and measured him at home this morning and he was 19.2 lbs. and 27 in. long.  He is really starting to learn to play and has so much fun on the floor with his toys.  He doesn't seem to have any motivation to crawl but does like to try standing up.  He loves bath time even more (if that is possible) now that he can sit up and play with toys in the tub.

Tomorrow is Doug's 30th Birthday and Sunday is what I'm going to call my third 1st Mother's Day.  I considered Mother's Day of 2008 (when I was pregnant with Logan) my 1st Mother's Day.  Then in 2009 I said it was my second 1st Mother's Day because it was the first one I would celebrate with Logan gone.  But this year will be the first Mother's Day I have gotten to enjoy the company of my child.  And while I'll still be missing Logan, I feel so blessed to be able to spend this day with Eli.

March for Babies Update

The March for Babies is only a little over a week away.  I'm so excited to take part in this special event as we have every year since Logan was born.  


This year is going to be a little different though.  Last week I was asked to write out our story for the March of Dimes Mission Tent.  They are going to have multiple family story boards and we were asked to submit ours along with pictures if we wanted.  I took my time and really thought about what I wanted to write.  After I finished I emailed it to Doug so he could add, remove or change anything.  Yesterday I finally submitted my story.


This morning I had an email:

"As I read this I cry all over again….Are you and your family going to be at March for Babies?

If so would you read this story from the stage?

If you don’t feel comfortable doing so I completely understand.  Just let me know."

I thought about it for only a moment before I said yes.  

Getting on that stage and telling our story is going to be one of the hardest things I have done since Logan's funeral, but I HAVE to do it.  I HAVE to share my son with other people.  

It's easy for me to write, because I can experience any and all emotions and take as much time as I need without anyone knowing.  But public speaking is different.  I have to be at least somewhat composed and speak clearly and loudly enough for everyone to hear our story.  And I'm scared.  

I'm not one of those people who is very comfortable getting up in front of a crowd and talking... about anything.  But I actually feel like God has kind of been preparing me for this.  After Eli's baptism I volunteered to be a Lector at our church.  I've been reading almost every other weekend and on several of the weekends, the person who would have been sharing the reading responsibilities with me didn't show.  So I have been facing my fear of public speaking quite regularly.  And I'm hoping that practice helps me get through this very important task.  

So I am asking for your prayers.  I am certainly going to need them when I stand on that stage but I also need them as I prepare.  The March is April 30 and between now and then I am going to be doing my best to prepare to do the best job I can to tell our story.  

6 Months

We had our 6 month Well Baby Appointment yesterday and everything went really well.

Eli now weighs 17 lbs. 15 oz. which puts him in the 56th percentile and is 26 in. tall, which puts him in the 32nd percentile.  The doctor didn't even ask me if Eli was sitting, reaching or babbling because he did those things as soon as the doctor walked in.  He really wanted to play with the stethoscope and kept reaching for it.

He is wearing mostly 6 month clothes, with some 3-6 months still fitting and some 9 months already fitting.  He loves reading and singing and this ugly giraffe who thinks it might be a zebra.

He has started reaching for more people than just me and is pretty much willing to go to anyone.  He sits up very well on his own and when we lay him on his back he rolls to his belly and gets mad because he can't go anywhere.  When he does stay on his back he scooches across the floor.  He still loves his Jumparoo, maybe even more than before, because now he can actually jump up and down in it.  I think he would sit and bounce all day if we let him.  He even bounces when he's out of the Jumparoo being held.

He sleeps on his side or his stomach most nights, no matter how many times I flip him back on his back.

His favorite color is orange, or so he tells me by his choice of foods.  He loves sweet potatoes, carrots and squash but hates green beans and peas.  He also likes peaches, prunes and pears.  Last night he had his first taste of chicken baby food and it was not successful, but I've been told not many babies like the meat baby foods.  He has started taking a sippy cup recently and can drink well out of it when we hold it but still hasn't mastered holding it still long enough to get a drink.

He is also giving kisses now.  They are open-mouth and slobbery but ridiculously sweet.  Most of the time he puts his hands on the person's face and holds on before planting a big ole wet one!

He loves skyping with all of his favorite people and usually stops what he's doing when a camera is pointed in his direction.

He LOVES the dogs, especially Bella and tries to catch her tongue while she tries to get close enough to lick his face, with me in the middle trying to keep them from unintentionally hurting each other :)

He's going to the zoo for the first time this weekend and I'm excited to see how he reacts.  Then next week our favorite photographer is coming to take 6 Month photos and then there's Easter.

The past 6 months seem to have flown by and Doug and I talk all the time about how he's getting big too fast. It seems crazy to me that in less than 6 months he will be 1-year-old and that in that span of time he will learn to crawl and stand, and maybe even take a few steps.  As much as I am looking forward to the person he will become, I am also trying to hold on to every minute of who he is now.

A Revelation

Last week was a kind of tough week.  On Thursday I attended a memorial for the son of someone I work with who had been killed in a car accident.  That night I watched Grey's Anatomy, which I watch every week.  But that night there was a preemie and it hit me hard. 


Grief is a funny thing that way.  You can be going on with your life, happy-go-lucky, living with the memory and then... BAM!  Something happens and throws you right back to the moments and days right after the loss.  That's how it was for me Thursday night.  I found myself staring at our video baby monitor to remind myself that Eli really was here and that I hadn't somehow gone back in time to July 2008.


On Sunday, though, sitting at church listening to the homily I felt like God reached down and touched me, giving me comfort during that week and for all of the days/weeks like that.


The Gospel reading this Sunday was about Jesus making a blind man see.  

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
                                         - John 9:1-3

Hearing this and our priest saying it was for God's glory that the man was born blind, it struck me.  Since Logan died I have wondered how the death of my little boy could possibly bring God glory.  Sure, if he had lived I would have said his life was a miracle and it was only possible because of God.  But how on earth could his death bring God glory.


Sitting in that pew, by myself (because Doug and Eli were in the cry room), it was hit me like a jolt...


If every baby lived, no one would think it was a miracle.  If every preemie went home healthy, it wouldn't be amazing when a 24 weeker survived.  It would be expected, and people wouldn't praise God for the miracle survivor.  


At one time, a baby born at 30, 32, or 34 weeks was not expected to live.  But now, with all the advances in medicine, they are expected to go home.  Not many people marvel over the fact that they grow up healthy.  But when a 24 or 26 weeker makes it, that's news.  


Even within my own little family, I doubt I would have regarded Eli's birth as such a miracle if it hadn't been for Logan's death.  Sure, I would have thanked God for giving me this little baby, but I most likely wouldn't have felt the deep gratitude and praise that I feel now.  I probably wouldn't wake up every single morning thanking God for one more day.  Even on the days when Eli is at his fussiest, when I can't get anything done, I find myself thanking God that I have a reason to be so frustrated.  But I doubt I would have felt that way if Logan been born healthy.


And there are plenty of other people in my life who give their kids extra hugs and kisses and hold them a little tighter, all because of Logan.  And that gives me some measure of comfort, at least a partial answer to the often asked question, why.




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In other news, Eli is 6 months old today!  It's so crazy to me how fast the time is passing.  He has his 6 month check up next week, so I'm going to wait until after that appointment to update you on all things Eli.