Big Boy

Yesterday afternoon my mom and I were playing with Eli and trying to get him to walk back and forth between us.  He was holding on with one hand and going back and forth and then he got distracted and took two steps completely on his own!  As soon as he realized he wasn't holding on he sat down but we got really excited even by these few accidental steps.

Then later I was in the office doing some things on the computer and he came in and said "mama"!  He said it a couple of times that night so I know he knew what he was saying (as opposed to all the other times he's said mama, just because those sounds came out).

Then this afternoon I got a text from daycare:

Eli is no longer sleeping in a crib at daycare, he now sleeps on a nap mat like all the big kids!  I can't lie, I cried.  My baby is getting so big and that makes me really happy because I know what the alternative to growing up is.  But it makes me sad too because I know that in a blink he'll be starting kindergarten... moving to college... getting married... starting his own family.  It's moments like this when I really want to savor every second with him, when I vow not to forget or take for granted even one moment of his life!

It hit me...

I think it finally hit me this morning that Eli will be 1 in just 8 days!  Sure, I've been planning his party and counting down the days but it still didn't seem real.  It wasn't until last week that I realized I needed to get some food in my house (other than party food) because in just a few days we're going to have several people staying with us and they'll need to eat :)

I also realized that until recently, I have not dared to let myself imagine him making it to this birthday.  I don't mean that I really thought he'd die... I really don't know how to explain it.  Our only real experience with 1st birthdays was Logan's.  We weren't thinking about presents or smash cakes or photo shoots.  And even though I've been planning Eli's party for quite a while, I haven't really stopped to think about what it's all about, a whole year of blessings!

Even though everything with Eli has been so different than with Logan, I kind of feel like this birthday marks a new phase.  We had a baby before Eli.  But now we'll have a toddler.  It's really just a word, but even just typing it is like a sucker punch to me.  We never got toddler Logan, and as far as I know we never will.

I've often wondered what Logan will be like when we go to heaven.  Will he still be that tiny baby we held in our arms?  Will he be the age he would have been if he had lived?  Or is heaven on a different timeline altogether?  I have read "Heaven is for Real" (and I highly suggest it if you haven't read it) and from reading it, it seems that people do age in heaven but that people who die old aren't old in heaven.  So will we see Logan in all of the different stages of life?  Will we get to experience who he truly is when we get there?  I don't know the answer to these questions, but I do know that no matter what age he is or what he looks like we'll know him when we see him... it's a love thing.

So this weekend we'll be celebrating a year full of blessings, and we'll be grieving the moments we missed with Logan.  Until Logan, I didn't know those two emotions could be experienced at the same time, but I've learned so much since he was born.  It's all a part of this road we're travelling.

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I know that this post is kind of disjointed, and I've read over it several times trying to figure out how to fix that, but it is what it is... I guess I'm kind of disjointed myself :)

Praying

One year ago today was my very last day of work before maternity leave.  I was so excited about meeting Eli soon but also nervous that something could still go wrong.  I spent soo much time praying, begging God to let me  have a healthy little boy.


Last night I found myself on my knees again, begging God again.  You see, there is a little boy named Levi who is currently fighting for his life.  He was born with a diaphragmatic hernia, basically part of the muscle which keeps our organs where they are supposed to be is missing.  This condition has caused problems with his heart and lungs.  The doctors are not giving his family much hope, but they have put their hope in the Lord and are choosing to believe that He will heal little Levi.  Last night they had a prayer vigil at the hospital and they asked those who could not be there in person to pray wherever they were.  So at 7pm, I turned off HGTV, put my phone on vibrate and prayed for little Levi and his family.


Of course, Eli is too little to understand quiet time, so he was playing with all of his toys, making tons of racket and just having a good time.  At times I had tears running down my face for this sweet family facing such a tough road.  At times I would smile or even laugh as Eli did something cute or laughed at something that only a baby could find funny.  And I thought of Logan and how I felt last year waiting for Eli.  The fears and emotions I had then came flooding back.  


When I think about this family, I remember what it was like to go to that hospital every day, to face the news (good and bad) and I remember that every single day we are given is such a blessing.  When I announced here that I was pregnant with Eli I said this:

"And for right now, I am going to take every single day as a blessing.  If I am pregnant for only 2 weeks, that is 2 weeks I get to spend with this baby.  If I am pregnant for 24 weeks and 6 days, that is 24 weeks and 6 days I get to spend with this baby.  And if I bring home a baby in 9 months and get to watch that child grow, I will be blessed for every day I am pregnant and every day of that child's life.  "

It's so true!  Every day that I hold Eli, every moment spent with him is such a blessing.  My heart is so full of love for both of my boys it seems like it can't hold any more.  It has only been recently that Eli has started to wake up without screaming before I go into his room to get him.  And on those mornings when he is awake, I hear him say "hey" when I open the door and he always has a big smile on his face.  And somehow, my heart grows a little bit bigger, just enough to let more love in.  


I don't know God's plans for little Levi but I hope and pray it involves a miracle for this family.  I hope that the doctors are amazed by what God has been able to do in his life.  But most of all, I hope Levi's family feels God's presence in this journey and that they know in every moment they are blessed because of their little boy.

11 Months

We are less than one month away from Eli's first birthday!  It is so amazing to me how fast the time has gone.

Eli now weighs 22.6 lbs and is wearing 12 month clothes.  He cruises along the furniture pretty well and has stood on his own for a few seconds here and there.  He recently started crawling on his knees some, but when he wants to get somewhere fast he's back to the army crawl.

He says ball, dog, Dada and uh oh (it usually sounds more like uh uh) and said kitty this weekend.

We spent the weekend in Georgia with some friends and had an awesome time!  Eli loves them both and I'm so thankful they've been so much a part of his life since day 1.  Here are some pictures from our trip.

Headed to the Troy/Clemson game

Go Trojans!!!

The Sleepy Wrap was perfect for this game. Eli napped for almost the entire 1st half so it would have been killer to have to hold him the whole time without the wrap.

Watching the ball

Hanging out with Daddy

Eli has a Troy jersey but we had to take it off because it was sooo hot.

Thank goodness we got the Baby Banz ear muffs, it was extremely loud.

Eli is a big Troy Trojan fan!  He loved watching the ball at the game.  He really showed his Trojan pride when some guys behind us started bad mouthing Troy.  The guys were going on and on about a play and Eli looked up at them with a mean look that I can't even begin to explain.  The best part was the guys noticed the look and apologized to me for making my baby mad.  They were laughing and saying that he was gonna beat them up for talking bad about the Trojans :)

On our way to go shopping, 11 month birthday

Napping with Christie

Housework

I have given up on housework.

I really have.  I used to try to keep it clean at least when I had company, but now, if you visit, don't expect much.

There are piles in my house and I've given up cleaning them.

Because I'd rather spend time with my husband and son, making the piles than waste my time picking them up.

This mess makes my house a home and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Five

Doug,

Today is our 5th anniversary.  I just want you to know that I love you and I'm shouting it from the rooftops!  Through 2 homes, 1 frogs, 3 toads, 4 lizards, 3 dogs, 2 cats, days together, days apart, disagreements, lazy days, bringing 2 children into the world and watching one leave... we've only come closer together.  You are the most imperfectly perfect husband I could have found.  Thanks for putting up with my flaws and imperfections and helping me become a better person.  Thanks for being a wonderful dad to both of our boys.  Your voice soothed Logan countless times in the hospital and Eli looks forward to you coming home every day.  He's recently begun to understand that the sound of the garage door means Daddy's home and he never fails to get excited.  Thank you for spoiling me and Eli and for loving our whole family completely.

Love,

Breastfeeding Isn't Always Easy

When I decided to breastfeed, I honestly thought it would be super easy.  I thought the baby would be born knowing just what to do and that I'd just have to sit there holding my baby... I was wrong.

Since Logan was so tiny, he was unable to breastfeed but breast milk was the best thing for him and the only thing I could really do for him, so I pumped.  I pumped every 2-3 hours, even through the night for the first few days and continued to pump every 2-3 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours at night for the rest of his 17 days.  I felt like I never stopped pumping.  Our entire schedule was based around the NICU hours and when I had to pump and I quickly learned to pump just about anywhere, including the Walmart parking lot.

When Eli was born, Doug and I decided to have our family wait while I attempted to feed Eli for the first time.  We told them it would only take 20-30 minutes.  It ended up taking at least an hour.  Eli couldn't figure out how to latch.  My nurse helped, a lactation consultant helped, we switched positions several times, and finally we got it!  I was so proud in that moment.  During our hospital stay we had some good feedings and some not so good feedings but I was sure it would get easier at any moment... wrong again.

The first few days at home were tough.  I can remember sitting on the couch with Eli on the Boppy trying and trying to get him latched while he screamed and I cried.  I didn't want to give him a bottle because everyone told me that it would lead to more problems latching but at one point it got so bad I didn't care.  I decided to pump and give him the milk in a bottle because I figured getting breast milk out of a bottle was better than no breast milk at all.

At times I just wanted to give up, it obviously wasn't working.  But thanks to some great friends and a supportive husband I kept trying.  I didn't let one bad feeding several bad feedings keep me from trying again the next time.  And eventually, Eli and I figured it out together.  We got into a groove and breastfeeding became what I had expected.  Then I went back to work.

At first, I had no problems keeping up with what Eli wanted.  But when his first tooth came in, my milk supply dropped.  I immediately called the lactation consultant and asked for help and they gave me some pointers: look at a picture of Eli, use a warm compress or heating pad and pump for longer.  I did all of that and it didn't help much.  So then they suggested I try fenugreek, an herbal supplement that helps with milk production.  Three pills, three times a day.  I started getting a little more but not much.  Then one day I noticed that the tubing on my pump had a tear.  It was a definite "aha" moment for me.  With the combination of fixed tubing and fenugreek I was back to my previous supply.

Only one problem, by the time Eli was 4-5 months old, he was wanting even more, but I wasn't getting more when I pumped.  The lactation consultant offered to help me get a prescription of Reglan which often helps supply but I had taken Reglan for nausea when I was pregnant with Eli and it made me feel dizzy and light-headed, so I wasn't really interested in trying it again unless absolutely necessary.  Eli's doctor told me not to worry because a pump is less efficient than a baby and I was probably only pumping half what Eli was actually getting when he nursed.  He suggested that I send formula to daycare and nurse when I was with Eli.  I didn't really like that idea so I looked for other moms who were having similar problems and noticed that several suggested pumping in the middle of the night.  Since Eli had been sleeping through the night for a while, I wasn't really enthused about not getting to sleep through the night anymore, but I decided to give it a try.  The very first night I got 5-6 oz.!  For me that was huge because I was used to getting 3-4 oz.

So since then, I have been getting up once a night in order to make enough milk to send to daycare without dipping into my freezer supply.  I still had some milk in the freezer from before I had come back to work.  Then our freezer thawed due to a GFI plug in the garage that had tripped and I lost my entire freezer supply.  I wasn't too worried at first because I was able to keep up with daycare needs anyway.

Sometime last month, my supply dropped unexpectedly again.  And I started to get nervous that my breastfeeding days might be ending.  (I have since read that this is not uncommon around 9-10 months, for moms who pump because the baby starts needing less breast milk so the supply goes down and since the pump is less efficient, you get less when pumping.)  So I redoubled my efforts, starting pumping even longer and on the weekends after I nursed Eli and now I actually have some milk in the freezer!

Breastfeeding hasn't been easy for me.  Many times I could have thrown in the towel and I completely, 100% understand why some women decide it's not for them.  However, for me it has been the most rewarding experience ever.  Nursing Eli gives me an excuse for one-on-one bonding time with him.  My favorite thing to do on a Saturday or Sunday morning is nurse him in our bed, laying side by side and just staring at each other.  Sometimes he smiles back at me or even laughs.

I nurse Eli anywhere and everywhere (except church) and I wish the stigma some people associate with it would disappear.  If I pulled out a bottle to feed my baby, no one would think twice about it, but even if I have a blanket completely covering Eli and myself, people look at me like I'm crazy.  I just smile back :)  I've nursed Eli under a sweatshirt at the outlets in Destin, in my wrap walking through the mall, under a blanket at a football game, in Sam's, at a wedding reception, in my car, at numerous restaurants, even sitting poolside at my parent's neighborhood pool.  Recently my mother-in-law told me she was out with one of her nieces (who is breastfeeding) and her niece asked if it would be okay for her to nurse her baby, she responded "You can bet Anna Gooden would!"

Maybe it's crazy, but it made me proud.  Proud to be a nursing mama, who doesn't hide in a corner or a bathroom, who struggled with breastfeeding but stuck with it, who is still nursing her 10-month-old and sending breast milk to daycare.  Don't get me wrong, I am somewhat looking forward to that first full night of sleep when I don't have to get up to pump, to that morning that Doug gets Eli up and fed while letting me sleep in.  But I know I'll be sad then too, because my breast feeding journey will have come to an end.  At least for a while :)