A Decade

A decade.  Ten whole years. Two whole hands.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I first looked at your tiny body, your little fingers and toes. Your teeny ears.

More than ever I’ve been wondering who you would be. What would it be like to have bunk beds in Eli’s room with you on the top bunk? What would 4th grade have been like?  Who would your teacher have been? What would we be getting you for your birthday?

Ten years seems like such a long time.  Everything in my life is so different now then that day you were born.  It seems like a different life.  And yet I have flashbacks that make it feel like I’m right back in those moments.

I love you so much sweet boy.  I was able to get some beautiful flowers for you and we’ve got something new for your spot.  But I really wish I was spending that money on some great toy that would put a big smile on your face.

-Mommy

5!

Oh my sweet princess, I truly can't wrap my brain around the fact that my baby is 5! You are such a beautiful girl inside and out although you do have a stubborn and dramatic side too :)

This year you started Pre-K and you have made so many new friends.  And boy are you learning fast!  A few weeks ago you brought me a book and said "Mama, does that say Mat?"  And sure enough it did.  Since then you've been reading us stories and telling everyone who will listen that you can read.

You played soccer in the fall and loved every minute of it and you are learning more and more in gymnastics every week.  Even though you often socialize more than practicing cartwheels.

You are such a girly girl.  You love pink and purple, bows, dresses, getting your nails done, high heels and your kitties and doll, Little Emily.  Little Emily has to go with us everywhere, you even bought her a car seat with some of your Christmas money.   You don't like not getting your way but we're working on that :)

I love you so much and am looking forward to this next year.  You will be going to summer camp, summer spotlight and then starting kindergarten and I know you are looking forward to every moment.

-Mama

Seventh

It’s been 9 days since your 7^th birthday and honestly, I completely forgot about writing your birthday letter until about two days ago. And we were so busy I didn’t have a chance to do it then.  I thought about just not writing them anymore but I hope one day you read these and get a small glimpse of how much I love you, even if I did write it late. 

What a year you’ve had! You finished Kindergarten and started 1^st grade.  You can read almost anything you see now and have discovered a love of math.  You have started your first grade year with all gold stars and we couldn’t be prouder.

You have fallen more in love with our caterpillars and butterflies, sometimes you’re even more enthusiastic than I am. You love American Ninja Warriors and want to start training now.  You still love Star Wars and trains and for your birthday Daddy and I built you a train room in the back of the shed.  You also love Nerf guns and had a big Nerf battle birthday which was a huge success.

You still play baseball and soccer and have also joined Boy Scouts.  You have discovered an interest in fishing and even caught a fish that we were able to make 3 tiny fish nuggets from, which you said were delicious.

Your love for your sister is so remarkable to me.  You look after her, worry about her, play with her and fight with her at times. 

You make friends easily and have made all A’s so far in 1^st grade.  You have taken on more chores and now empty and load the dishwasher every day.

I am soo proud of you and of the person you are becoming.  Keep loving everyone and stop worrying about doing everything perfectly.  I love you so much!

Mommy

Ninth

Oh my sweet Logan, today you would be 9!  In all these years I've always been so grateful for the 17 days we had with you.  That's not to say I didn't wonder or think "what if?" but for the most part I have been so grateful for the time we had with you.  For some reason, this year my curiosity about who you are/would have been is overwhelming.  Maybe it's because your brother and sister's personalities are developing right in front of me that is causing these kind of thoughts, I'm not really sure.  It suddenly feels like I don't even know what to miss about you.  I mean what would your voice have sounded like?  Would you have liked to read?  Would you have liked to dress up in superhero costumes?  The thing is, I miss you everyday but I wish I had more to miss.  I wish I missed the way you curled up in a ball to sleep like Emily does, or the way you sprawled out to every corner of the bed like Eli.  I wish I knew you better so that I could miss you more. 

And yet I wonder if knowing you better, missing you more would tear me apart in a way I can't even imagine.  It's such a strange journey.  Wishing for more and yet grateful for what I was given.

Last year was pretty rough.  Nothing went the way I had hoped for your birthday so I'm very hopeful that today is different.  Please know that we love you.  Be close to me, help me to feel your presence, so I don't feel so very alone.

Love always,
Mommy

Four

My dear sweet Emily... I just canNOT believe you are 4 today!  You certainly have a spitfire temper when it suits you but most of the time you have the sweetest spirit.  When you're mad or in trouble you've been known to say "You don't love me anymore!", "I don't love you anymore" and "You're a bad Mommy" but when you're happy you tell us thank you for everything and when you can't remember what you were going to say you say "I love you Mommy" instead.  This morning when you saw your 4's all over the house you kept saying "Thank you for my birthday!" even to Eli :)

This year when we asked if you wanted to have a party or go on a trip you immediately said trip and knew exactly where you wanted to go... Disney World.  I've gotta tell you girl, Daddy and I didn't think we were going to be able to make that happen.  You should always know that if it wasn't for some really kind people from church it wouldn't have.  But we were blessed and got to enjoy 2 days at Disney World.  Mickey Mouse sang you Happy Birthday, you were terrified at the Tower of Terror, you met all the princesses and insisted on having cake while we were there.  You also insisted that you were already 4 and we decided to go with it :)

You have grown sooo much in this past year!  It was terrifying for us when we found out we were going to have to move you to a new daycare but Heaven Sent has truly been a blessing in your life and ours.  You have blossomed there, made tons of new friends and are learning new things all the time.  You love to sing and show off your new lessons.  You have started asking to take gymnastics so that will probably happen sometime this year.  And you are always talking about being as big as your brother.

You have so much love and you share it with everyone!  You and Ginger have a very special bond, she sleeps with you most nights.  And lately Penny has begun to bond with you too.  Animals are still your favorites but you've started playing with princesses, dolls and shopkins more too. 

This year you will start Pre-K in the fall and you are looking forward to it.  I on the other hand can already feel the emotions of watching my last baby start school.  I'm excited for you though. 

I hope you have a wonderful birthday today and a great year as a 4 year old. I am so looking forward to watching how you change in the next year.

Love always,
Mommy

Six!

Eli,

First of all, I just want to say that this is the first year that I've ever not had this post ready to publish at 11:53am on your birthday.  That should tell you how busy we are nowadays and how fast this year has flown by!

We started a new birthday tradition sort of impulsively last night by talking about all of the fun things we did while you were 5.  We talked about going to Disney World and starting Kindergarten... Making new friends and becoming a star goalie. 

You have grown so much in the last year!  This time last year you had just started Pre-K and now you are amazing us in Kindergarten.  You are learning to read and write, do math and so much more.  But more importantly you are learning to be a good person and a good friend, even to those who may not be all that nice to you.  You were bit by another student this past week and you told me that you told her she could still be your friend as long as she didn't bite you again.  You also came home one day and told me that you and Maggie from Pre-K are in love :)

You loved playing baseball this past spring and you are loving soccer again this fall.  You have become the star goalie and play much more than you sit.  Unlike last year when your team lost almost every game this year your team is 5-0-2, you've even scored 4 goals!  I love watching you play because it's easy to see how much you enjoy it.

One of the teachers at your school told me that she's never seen a child smile as much as you do and it's so true!  Overall you are a very happy boy and you love everyone you meet!  I am so blessed to be your Mommy and I love watching you grow.  I am so looking forward to seeing you continue to grow this year!!

Love,
Mommy

Eight

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! 

8.... 8.... it just seems like such a big number.  I was thinking the other day and realized you would be going into 3rd grade this coming school year!  Just like always the days leading up to your birthday have been hard.  Thinking of who you would be and what you would be interested in.  All the what ifs we've lived with every single day since you left us. 

Eli talks about you all the time and tells people about you almost everywhere we are.  Sometimes it's hard because we have to explain the situation but it's so nice to see his love for you. 

So much has changed for us this year and I'm pretty sure this next year will be no different.  I know you watch over us and I feel your presence in so many ways.  A few weeks ago Eli and Emily were playing in the pool in the backyard and this butterfly flew up and all around us for quite some time.  It just really felt like you were there, wanting to play with your little brother and sister. 

I love you Logan and I look forward to the day I will hold you again in Heaven!  Please watch over us, especially Daddy in the coming months.  We are likely going to need to feel you close.

Love always,
Mommy