I want to let everyone know that I am out of surgery and baby and I are doing fine. I will be to leaving the hospital soon. Thanks

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Prayers

I just wanted to ask all of you to be praying for me tonight and tomorrow. 

I was so completely confident about this whole process until I had to go sit in the hospital waiting room for an hour waiting to do my pre-admit blood work. 

Now I'm kind of freaking out about it. 

Not really the surgery, but the process.  Being in the hospital again, being put to sleep and waking up to find out how it went, it's just kind of scary.

So I'd love your prayers.  I'll try to update as soon as I can.  Not sure if I can get blogger on the hospital internet but I will try.

8 Days

In 8 days we will celebrate the day that Jesus died for our sins. 

And I sure hope Good Friday lives up to its name.

In 8 days, I will be having surgery.

I'm very confident in the procedure and even more confident in my doctor but I'm still feeling a little bit of apprehension. 

I went to visit my doctor yesterday and while I knew we would be scheduling the surgery, I didn't expect it to be scheduled quite so soon.  I expected it to be the week after Easter.  And when she first said the word Friday, I got so excited that I wouldn't have to take as much time off from work that I didn't really realize how soon Friday is.  In fact, I don't think it really dawned on me until last night as I was going to bed.  That's when I started thinking really thinking about how soon it is. 

But in a way, I'm glad that it's soon.  I'm glad that we can get past this part of the pregnancy and move on.  I'm glad that in 9 days, I will be done with surgery and (hopefully) able to focus more on a LONG pregnancy. 

My appointment was fairly routine.  My doctor tried to find the heart beat with the dopplar but only heard 3 or 4 beats so she sent me to ultrasound just to get a peek.  So I got an unexpected look at the baby.  And since it is a pretty good picture, I want to introduce all of you to Baby #2 (who I still think is a girl!).

Oh, and the heart beat was fine at 175 bpm.

Inspired

I love to read.  I've talked about it before.  Mostly I read for entertainment, but lately I've read a couple of inspirational books and one or two grief support books.  And they've been great reads.  But today as I was reading, I was blown away by a paragraph in one of my "entertainment" books and I just had to share it.  It's kind of long, but it's worth reading.

"Grief can destroy you--or focus you.  You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.  Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.  But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill.  It was everything, it was the why of live, every event and precious moment of it.  The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss.  And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."
--Odd Thomas, Odd Hours by Dean Koontz

Wow!  That's all I can say.  Maybe it didn't touch you the way it touched me.  In the quote, Odd is talking about the loss of a spouse or significant other, but it seems to fit every loss to me, the loss of a parent, child or just a good friend.  And as much as it makes me think about the short time we had with Logan, it also makes me think about my parents, my sister, Doug, and some of my best friends.  Because the fact is that eventually I will lose them, or they will lose me.  And it won't matter if we had 100 years together, it won't have been enough time. 

I am praying every day that we all learn to appreciate every moment of our lives and not to take any part of it or any person in it for granted.

My Lesson?

Lately, I've been wondering what God is trying to teach me in all of this.  Considering our struggles, I can't believe that it's just a coincidence that the dates for this pregnancy match up exactly with the dates of my first pregnancy.  So He must be trying to teach me/show me something.

And yet this pregnancy has been so very different.  I've been nauseous all the time, get heartburn when I drink water (much less eat anything of substance), and crave sweets when last time sweets were the only thing that made me sick.

I said last time that I didn't care what gender the baby was, but I secretly wanted a boy.  I wanted my oldest to be a boy so that he could look after his younger siblings in a way that no girl can do (at least in my mind).  And the truth is that I got exactly what I wanted.  A big brother who will be watching over his younger sibling(s) in every way.  And this time, I still say I don't care what gender the baby is and that is the honest truth, but there is a part of me that wants a girl.  It's the part of me that's scared that come June I'll be back in the hospital and then visiting the NICU.  That part of me wants a girl because I know the odds are against little, white boys and slightly favor little, white girls. 

And yet, it has occurred to me that I don't just want a little girl.  I want my two-year-old son here AND a little girl.  I want to be able to completely erase the fears of prematurity and be like most other 2nd-time mothers I know who are more worried about how they are going to afford childcare for two or deal with two kids crying at the same time than whether or not they'll get the chance to hold the baby when he/she is born.

And that is honestly all I am thinking about right now.  When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I hit all the baby websites and started thinking about the perfect delivery.  Having my family there, delivering naturally and possibly even without an epidural and having Doug hand me this baby just minutes after it was born.  When Logan was born he was whisked away within minutes and all I got was a drug-fogged glance at my son and Doug wasn't even there. 

So this time around, I'm not worried about who will be in the delivery room, how I'll deliver, or whether or not I'll get the drugs, my sole wish for delivery is that I get to hold this baby, even if it's just for a minute or two, before the nurses take her (or him) away.

Some people have been telling me not to worry about what happened last time, that I need to relax.  All I can say is that is like telling someone who has been attacked by sharks, "Oh, don't worry about these sharks, they wouldn't hurt a fly".

And it makes it so much more difficult that the days are the same.  Logan was born on a Friday and the Friday before his birthday (which is on a Sunday this year) I will be 24 weeks 6 days, which is how far along I was the day that he was born.  So there must be some lesson in this.  And I've been searching for it.

And I guess I'll keep searching until God decides to clue me in!

I Am...

Today is Feb. 2nd and I am scared.

I am excited!

I am nervous.

I am happy!

I am...

I am relieved.

I am praising God!

I am holding tight to Logan's blanket.

I am happy, excited, relieved and praising God because just one month ago I wrote a post (that I obviously never published) ready to explain to everyone that Doug and I were planning to pursue an adoption.  The back story is that my Dr. suggested that we wait 6 months to try again after Logan died.  We waited and in Dec. 2008 she cleared us to start trying again.  Then in late Jan./early Feb. I thought I was pregnant.  I was wrong.  My Dr. felt that I was stressed and not ovulating.  For 4-5 months I tried to stop thinking about getting pregnant, all while thinking every month that I was pregnant, only to get a negative test.  Then my Dr. put me on a fertility drug.  For 6 months I took fertility drugs, hoping that would help.  It didn't.  In Dec. 2009 I was told that I had to have an HSG test done.  The test consisted of inserting dye into my uterus to make sure there were no problems with either my uterus or my tubes.  There were no problems.  And my Dr. offered to send me to a fertility specialist.  I stopped her in her tracks.  I told her I wasn't going to see a fertility specialist.  I told her I was done with the fertility drugs.  I told her that Doug and I were going to pursue adoption.  And she supported me.  I started trying to imagine the adoption process and acutally got kind of excited about it.  And now my world has been rocked in such a wonderful way. 

I honestly have been thinking I was pregnant for over a week, but I've been trying to convince myself I was wrong because I have had so much disappointment in the past several months.  I finally decided today to take the test and get it over with so that I could get it off of my mind.  I didn't even wait for Doug to get home.  And with 1 min. and 45 sec. left on the timer I noticed the two lines.  I called Doug.  I said "I'm so sorry for doing it like this, but can you stay on the phone with me for the next one and half minutes?"  He asked why and I said because "I think I'm pregnant".  From the reaction I got, I think he was surprised and almost unbelieving.  When the timer went off, I knew for sure.  Definitely 2 lines!

I am scared, nervous and holding tight to Logan's blanket because I know that not all pregnancies end with a baby living at home, sleepless nights holding a tiny infant, and raising a child.  I'm also scared and nervous because on Feb. 1, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Logan.  So I know that the dates are going to be so close.  And I know that being pregnant during June and July, at about the same point I was with Logan, is going to be scary. 

But I also know that God has a plan.  And no matter what I do, His plan will happen.  I have faith in my God that no matter what happens, He will be at my side, every step of the way.  And for right now, I am going to take every single day as a blessing.  If I am pregnant for only 2 weeks, that is 2 weeks I get to spend with this baby.  If I am pregnant for 24 weeks and 6 days, that is 24 weeks and 6 days I get to spend with this baby.  And if I bring home a baby in 9 months and get to watch that child grow, I will be blessed for every day I am pregnant and every day of that child's life.  I also know that I have so many people pulling for me and praying for me.  And I appreciate those prayers.  I am especially asking for prayers for my strength.  That's what I'm going to need the most in the coming days, weeks, and months.

UPDATE:

Today is Feb. 27th and I am 8 weeks pregnant, and Logan would be 20 months old today.

We told Doug's family today and now we're ready to share with everyone. 

I'm going on record right now in saying that I think this is a girl.  I have been extremely sick this time, not just morning sickness, all day sickness.  Last time I just thought I had morning sickness.  And last time I couldn't touch sweet foods, but this time sweets are about the only thing that I feel like eating. 

I have decided that my blog will be where I share about my pregnancy. Last time I used Facebook to update everyone, but out of respect for my many friends who have suffered a loss or have suffered with infertility, I will not use that means of updating. So if you're coming here, you're probably going to be hearing a LOT about this baby, just warning you now!

I just wanted to hop on and show all of you my new kitchen table.

And the chairs.

It's not actually here yet.  It won't be here until next Saturday.  But I can't wait.  It's a little bit bigger than the table we have now and extends to be even bigger for when we have guests.

Oh and I picked a new decorative tile for my backsplash.

We will still use the white subway tiles, but this will be where the ceramic diamond shaped tiles were in my earlier post.  It's kind of metallic and I think it's going to look MUCH better with my countertops.  And it'll look great with the red paint. 

Doug and my dad are going to start building some cabinets for my craft room the same weekend that the table comes.  I can't wait to finally be able to organize in there instead of just having paper and scrapbooks stacked in different corners!  I'll take pictures so you can see whenever they finish.  Although if you count the painting, that may be a few months away.

We've got lots going on around here.  A good friend of mine who lives in Tennessee is visiting tonight and next weekend we get to see our Georgia friends.  And I'm gearing up for the March in April.  I've already gotten a big start on my donations from my Tennessee friend.  I love ya girl!