I Am...

Today is Feb. 2nd and I am scared.

I am excited!

I am nervous.

I am happy!

I am...

I am relieved.

I am praising God!

I am holding tight to Logan's blanket.

I am happy, excited, relieved and praising God because just one month ago I wrote a post (that I obviously never published) ready to explain to everyone that Doug and I were planning to pursue an adoption.  The back story is that my Dr. suggested that we wait 6 months to try again after Logan died.  We waited and in Dec. 2008 she cleared us to start trying again.  Then in late Jan./early Feb. I thought I was pregnant.  I was wrong.  My Dr. felt that I was stressed and not ovulating.  For 4-5 months I tried to stop thinking about getting pregnant, all while thinking every month that I was pregnant, only to get a negative test.  Then my Dr. put me on a fertility drug.  For 6 months I took fertility drugs, hoping that would help.  It didn't.  In Dec. 2009 I was told that I had to have an HSG test done.  The test consisted of inserting dye into my uterus to make sure there were no problems with either my uterus or my tubes.  There were no problems.  And my Dr. offered to send me to a fertility specialist.  I stopped her in her tracks.  I told her I wasn't going to see a fertility specialist.  I told her I was done with the fertility drugs.  I told her that Doug and I were going to pursue adoption.  And she supported me.  I started trying to imagine the adoption process and acutally got kind of excited about it.  And now my world has been rocked in such a wonderful way. 

I honestly have been thinking I was pregnant for over a week, but I've been trying to convince myself I was wrong because I have had so much disappointment in the past several months.  I finally decided today to take the test and get it over with so that I could get it off of my mind.  I didn't even wait for Doug to get home.  And with 1 min. and 45 sec. left on the timer I noticed the two lines.  I called Doug.  I said "I'm so sorry for doing it like this, but can you stay on the phone with me for the next one and half minutes?"  He asked why and I said because "I think I'm pregnant".  From the reaction I got, I think he was surprised and almost unbelieving.  When the timer went off, I knew for sure.  Definitely 2 lines!

I am scared, nervous and holding tight to Logan's blanket because I know that not all pregnancies end with a baby living at home, sleepless nights holding a tiny infant, and raising a child.  I'm also scared and nervous because on Feb. 1, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Logan.  So I know that the dates are going to be so close.  And I know that being pregnant during June and July, at about the same point I was with Logan, is going to be scary. 

But I also know that God has a plan.  And no matter what I do, His plan will happen.  I have faith in my God that no matter what happens, He will be at my side, every step of the way.  And for right now, I am going to take every single day as a blessing.  If I am pregnant for only 2 weeks, that is 2 weeks I get to spend with this baby.  If I am pregnant for 24 weeks and 6 days, that is 24 weeks and 6 days I get to spend with this baby.  And if I bring home a baby in 9 months and get to watch that child grow, I will be blessed for every day I am pregnant and every day of that child's life.  I also know that I have so many people pulling for me and praying for me.  And I appreciate those prayers.  I am especially asking for prayers for my strength.  That's what I'm going to need the most in the coming days, weeks, and months.

UPDATE:

Today is Feb. 27th and I am 8 weeks pregnant, and Logan would be 20 months old today.

We told Doug's family today and now we're ready to share with everyone. 

I'm going on record right now in saying that I think this is a girl.  I have been extremely sick this time, not just morning sickness, all day sickness.  Last time I just thought I had morning sickness.  And last time I couldn't touch sweet foods, but this time sweets are about the only thing that I feel like eating. 

I have decided that my blog will be where I share about my pregnancy. Last time I used Facebook to update everyone, but out of respect for my many friends who have suffered a loss or have suffered with infertility, I will not use that means of updating. So if you're coming here, you're probably going to be hearing a LOT about this baby, just warning you now!