Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Lately I've been having a deep struggle with myself.  How do I love both of my boys?

After our big ultrasound with Logan, I couldn't put down the pictures.  I knew right then that I loved that little boy or girl more than I had ever thought possible.  It was a bigger love than I had ever experienced before. 

But when Logan was born he was whisked away and there was no bonding time for us.  I did get to see him before they took him to the NICU, but there was no touching at all.  And I had been expecting a girl.  For the 17 days that Logan lived, I spent most of my time in the NICU, but, to be honest, for the first few days, I went because that's what everyne expected me to do.  It wasn't until the first time I held him, four days after he was born, that I really felt that heart-bursting love again.  But even though I didn't realize it at the time, it faded again.  I remember one day, feeling extremely upset about the whole situation and crying on the shoulder of one of Logan's nurses.  She told me something then that I'll never forget.  I was feeling so depressed but feeling that way made me feel guilty because Logan was right there, doing very well at that point.  I didn't understand until the nurse said that it was completely natural.  That because of the entire hospital stay and all the drama of the NICU, it was totally natural for me to be depressed.  I told her what I was too afraid to tell anyone else, that when I looked at my little boy there was a disconnect, that I felt like I was looking at someone else's baby.   That's when she said that was okay too and that I had to allow myself time to mourn for the little girl I "lost".  Because even though I didn't really lose a baby girl, I lost the dreams of the little girl that I had been having for over a week before Logan was born.

Fast forward to Oct. 4, 2010.  As soon as Eli was born and they put him on top of me, I touched him and held him and a love that I cannot explain washed over me.  And every single time I look at him I, I feel it again.  It doesn't matter if he's smiling or crying, it's there and it fills my heart in a way I never dreamed was possible. 

But every time it happens, there's a pang of guilt that follows.  How come I didn't feel that exact same way when I looked at Logan?  Why don't I feel it when I look at pictures of him now?  Is there a way to make that feeling come?

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, I love Logan .  I always have and I always will.  But when I look at Eli and my heart almost bursts, I can't help but wonder if I love Logan enough.

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