Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Strength in a Storm

Well, I've been slacking for a while in my goal of writing at least once weekly but I'm hoping to be able to commit the time again now. Just a few updates:

-You probably noticed the facelift. Let me know what you think. I personally think it looks WAY better than the green blogger template I had before but that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement.

-We got a new puppy last Saturday. His name is Levi and he's a Yellow Labrador Retriever. He's only 6 weeks old and Doug and I are still getting used to having a baby in the house again. We did it before with Callie, but we ended up giving in and letting her sleep with us, if not in the bed, at least in our room where she could see us. We are determined not to let this one become dependent on sleeping with us because when he gets a little bigger he will be staying outside so we don't want him crying all night and keeping the whole neighborhood up. In the meantime, we are sacrificing a lot of our sleep.

Now on to what I really want to talk about today.

On July 14 we donated about 10 of the bears to the hospital. We didn't want to give them too many at a time because their storage space is limited. We left the rest of the bears at my parents house so that if needed they could be taken to the hospital quickly. I never dreamed that I would need so many of those bears myself.

First, my best friend knew someone who was told her child would not live and we sent a bear to her. Then a friend of that woman lost her child and contacted us to see if she could get one for her friend.

Then, last week, tragedy again struck our own extended family. One of Doug's cousins and her husband lost their 2-year-old twins. Our thoughts and prayers have been focused on them and I felt the need to be there for them in any and all ways possible. We picked out two bears to give them and my mom brought them down so that we could take them with us to the funeral. I was completely prepared to comfort this family. I was not prepared however, for them to comfort me.

You see, one of the first things that each member of the family said to us was an apology. They told us over and over how sorry they were that we were having to go through this. Of course, the anniversary of losing Logan was just two weeks prior to their loss and hearing of it did bring back the pain of those first few days but I couldn't imagine how they could be worried about what we were going through while they were dealing with such a horrible tragedy.

Then I remembered myself, apologizing to my aunt, who had lost her own 11-year-old son many years ago. Before the funeral, I told her I was sorry because I knew it was probably hard on her and brought back so many bad memories. Now I know what she was going through.

It is hard to attend a funeral, especially the funeral of a child after losing a child of your own. It's hard because you do have memories of your own child's funeral and the pain you were feeling at the time. However, the memories aren't the hardest part. The hardest part is watching these people that you know and love, and understanding to the utmost degree how they are feeling. Understanding exactly what they are going through. Recognizing your actions in theirs. Knowing what is coming in the moments, hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.

This particular family is very strong. They have already begun to look at the ways the death of their twins is glorifying God. And honestly, that's pretty amazing. We had time to prepare for the fact that Logan could die. For the 12 days I was in the hospital and the 17 days Logan was in the hospital we were faced with the very real possibility that Logan could die. And we recognized God in our situation and prayed that he would send us a miracle and allow Logan's life to glorify God. I can't speak for Doug, but I never once asked myself how Logan's death could glorify God. Not until after he had died. Not until I started reading other people's stories. Not until I got past the beginning stages of my grief journey. Not until I accused God of not saving my son.

But the truth is that He did save my son. He took Logan away from pain, sorrow, and even death and gave him eternal life. And though I have no tangible evidence to give you, I know Logan's birth and death glorified God. It made me dig deeper in my faith, made me see God in my every day, helped Doug and I bring God into our relationship more than ever before. And the fact that this couple, who just days ago lost their children so unexpectedly, without any warning, is already seeing God and his glory in their situation makes me feel humbled and ashamed. I wish I had been as strong in my faith one year ago as I am now. I wish I could have really seen God, and his presence in my life then, when I most needed it. But after all, I am only human and I sin. I am not perfect, and I never will be, but my goal in life is to work to continue to be more like Jesus every day. I WILL struggle, I WILL fall, but if I continue to get back up and try again, I know God will be in my life and will reunite me with my son once again.

No comments:

Post a Comment