The Middle

I haven't really been feeling very uplifted or hopeful lately. I've been suffering from a lot of doubts. I've started asking the questions again, why Logan?, why us?, why me? Why does it keep getting harder? Haven't we been through enough? Are we just not meant to have children on this earth?

And when I start thinking like this, people tell me to relax, not to stress, of course we'll have other children. But the truth is that no one knows that for sure, no one can answer any of my questions. Except God. And He's in no hurry to give me the answers. Because He knows how the story ends. He knows whether or not we will have more children. He knows his/hers/their genders and the exact date and time of his/hers/their birth. He knows the exact time of his/hers/their death. And He is patient.

I am not as patient, I’m a planner. I sometimes think that if I just knew the answers I could be patient, I could wait. But if I knew that on May 1, 2010 I would be bringing home a healthy baby, would I really patiently await that day? Probably not. I'd probably I know I would be counting down the 365 days. I’d be trying to figure out exactly when I’d get that positive pregnancy test and exactly when the baby would be born and exactly when I’d have to go back to work. I’d be planning birthday parties and Christmases and I’d miss a year of my life.

If there’s one thing I’m learning through all of this it is that we have to take life the way God gives it to us: one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I can be very stubborn so it’s taking a lot to get it into my head, but slowly it’s getting there. While I was in the hospital, I was told that every day was a victory. I got twelve of them. When Logan was born the doctors told us that his condition could change in a moment. We got 17 days full of moments. When Logan died, people who had been through this grief before, told me to take it one day at a time. Even now, as far as my grief journey is concerned, I’m doing that.

I say all of this while I hold back tears, because I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to have to be patient. I want to know the answers to all of my questions. Now. But I know my God has not left me. I know He’s telling me, “Be patient, good things will come”. I know that however my story ends, it will be good.

But oh, how the middle hurts!