Things I Never Thought I'd Do

There are lots of things in life we dream of doing: getting married, having a family, getting a job, owning a home. But have you ever thought about the things you've done that you NEVER in your wildest dreams would have seen yourself doing. And in addition to that, have you thought about the way your life would be different if you hadn't done those things. Here's my list:

1. Live in Alabama

2. Go to college in Alabama - this is one I fought fiercely until I found Troy

3. Own a lizard, reptile or amphibian as a pet - and we've had 8

4. Buy a brand new house as my first house

5. Have an inside dog

6. Like the color pink

7. Buy clothes for my dog - most especially pink clothes!

8. Stay in the hospital for 14 days

9. Spend 17 days visiting a NICU

10. Watch my child die

11. Watch my husband's pain when our child died

12. Pick out a burial site for my son and arrange his funeral

13. Be extremely thankful for each of the 17 days we got with our son

14. Visit a cemetery on a weekly basis

15. Explain to a 5-year-old why we don't step on the grass at the cemetery and upon explanation, be asked "But his head's not in there right?", try explaining THAT one!

16. Make flower arrangements

17. Advocate for March of Dimes

18. Understand when other Mother's lose their children and be there to tell them I understand

19. Have a garden

20. Have four dogs living at my house at one time

Some of these things may seem sad, but they have shaped me into the woman, wife and mother that I am. For example, when we first lost Logan, all I could think about was that 17 days was not enough. But as I met more and more women who had lost their children I realized how much 17 days really is. If someone walked up to me then and said my son was going to die and did I choose for him to die after 17 days or after 2 months, I would have chosen the 2 months. In the same way, people who's baby was born still or who had a miscarriage would probably choose the 17 days we got.

So even the sad things have changed my life in a positive way. I'm so much more grateful now than I was before. I recently watched a documentary about a 16-year-old girl that never grew bigger than an 8 or 9-month-old baby. She has some kind of never-before-seen disease that has kept her from growing and developing. And the father said that if someone came and gave him a pill that would make his daughter a normal 16-year-old he wouldn't take it because he loved his daughter just the way she is. I'm not that strong. If someone gave me a magic way to change the outcome, I would jump on it in a heartbeat. But I can also appreciate the change in me, the change I can create, because of the obstacles in my life.