Wednesday, June 10, 2009

One year ago yesterday I had my fourth ultrasound. The morning of my 18 week ultrasound I had drank orange juice for breakfast (I truly craved it during the pregnancy) and during the ultrasound we found out that it made the baby pretty active. In fact, Logan moved around so much the technician could not get good pictures of his heart. So they made me an appointment for the next month and told me not to drink any orange juice. Doug and my parents came with me. It was the first time my dad had seen an ultrasound and he was really excited to see his grandchild.

Little did I know at the time that exactly one week later I would be admitted to the hospital. Looking back, it was the calm before the storm. You see, for whatever reason, early in my pregnancy I was terrified that I was going to miscarry. And before I even got married I had fears of infertility. So when I got to see that little baby, moving around (even giving us a thumbs up one time) I felt like the time of worry was over. Little did I know, it was just beginning.

When and if I get pregnant again, I know I will worry. I've already noticed the fear of infertility (see previous sentence), I will fear miscarriage early on, then will come the fear of the cerclage surgery that I will have performed, and the slight risk of infection or delivery at 12-13 weeks. Next will be a fear of a fatal diagnoses (such as Trisomy), pre-term delivery and stillbirth. And even if I make it full term and my child goes home with me healthy, there's still SIDS to worry about. All of these are things that happened to women in my grief support groups and the sad part is that there are many more worries I didn't bother to mention.

How I wish I could be a naive pregnant woman again! However, I'm not saying all of this to take away anyone's naivete. I'm saying this to point out that even for me, worrying is pointless. It's pointless because the truth is that every life (from the tiniest little bunch of cells to a 100-year-old man) is in the hands of God. We can't spend our whole lives worrying, we just have to trust Him.

Take my worries for example, if I allow them to, they could take over my life. Because the fact is that as a child grows, the bad things that could happen to them only multiplies. It never decreases. Even after the risk of SIDS goes away, there's plenty of other things that can happen to a child.

But if we put our faith in Him, we can live without the fear. It's an extremely hard thing to do, completely trusting in God and His plans; but it will provide peace in our lives. If we put our task to the Lord in prayers, He will help rid the worry from our hearts.

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