Monday, June 15, 2009

Losing him

One year ago today was my husband's first Father's Day. Although we didn't know it at the time, it was also the day we started to lose our son.

The problem started in the middle of the night. I can remember sitting in our bed and crying, praying "please don't let me lose our child on Father's Day". I thought about waking Doug up and having him take me to the hospital. Maybe I should have. But I didn't, I convinced myself to get some rest since I wasn't in any pain, there was no bleeding, so surely everything was okay.

When I did wake up, I read my pregnancy book, talked to some people and decided that it was most likely a very minor issue, something that happens to lots of pregnant women. Doug and I relaxed that day. We really didn't do much of anything. Never knowing that our lives would change forever the next day.

If I had it to do over again, I would have had Doug take me to the hospital that night. It's not that I think it is my fault that Logan died. I honestly don't think going to the hospital that much earlier would have made a difference. Because if it had been in God's plans for Logan to live on this earth, he would be here now. That was not God's plan. I don't know why, although I wish I did. However, I think some of the what if's would be gone if I had gone in earlier. We might know, more difinitevly, what exactly happened that caused the premature labor. Knowing that, might ease some of the questions that will come with a subsequent pregnancy. And if we had gone that night, my husband would have been with me.

But we didn't go. We spent a peaceful day at home, the last day we would spend there together, as a family.

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