Happy Birthday!

Logan, you are two years old today.  And I cannot even begin to explain how much your Daddy and I miss you.  Today we will go out to the cemetery and bring you new flowers (if we managed to get them finished in time) and we'll eat birthday cake.  And we'll celebrate the fact that you were born alive and that you lived for 17 whole days.  It's amazing how things have come full circle.  We're not taking a single moment for granted right now and that's because of you.  2 years and 1 day after your funeral we will go back to St. Martin's.  We've visited a couple of times since that day, but we'll be going back for good this time.  Please be near your Daddy, me and your little brother.  You are our little angel and we are so blessed that you were and will always be a part of our lives.

Love,
Mommy

A Milestone

Today I am 23 weeks 3 days pregnant and I got out of bed this morning and showered and came to work.

That seems so mundane, but it is a HUGE milestone for me.  Because at this point in my pregnancy with Logan I was in the hospital on strict bed rest.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I was admitted to the hospital. 

Sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is taking forever.  Other times I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream, two years later and still just shy of 6 months pregnant.

It is hard for me to believe that on Logan's birthday, just two weeks from now, I will be further along in my pregnancy than I have ever been before.  25 weeks will be a big milestone.

As will 26... 27... 28... you get the idea.

In a little way, I feel like I'm back in that hospital room, marking the days off in my little calendar because the NICU nurse told us that every single day is a victory.  In fact, today I'm going out to get a calendar, like the one my mom brought to my hospital room two years ago.  And I think I'm going to "mark off" the days just like she did, with a "G" for Good Day.  Because every single day that I stay pregnant is a good day, just like it was two years ago.

Eli's Face

Well, we had another ultrasound today and we finally got to see our sweet Eli's face!  As well as his 4 chamber heart!  And more proof that he's a boy, which made me very happy, as I was slightly concerned my little boy might turn into a little girl :)

Here's the pictures.  The first one is a side-by-side comparison of Logan's 4d picture (left) and Eli's 4d picture (right). 

Because this next picture was so confusing to me, I wanted to label it.  So the original picture is to the left and the one on the right is the same picture with my labels added.

Amazingly enough, I had a second ultrasound with Logan to get pictures of his 4 chamber heart at 22 weeks 2 days and today I am 22 weeks 2 days with Eli.  In a way it is amazing and also scary. 

On Saturday Doug and I went to Hobby Lobby to buy flowers for Logan's birthday arrangement that we had decided to make ourselves this year.  I was going through the motions and not really thinking about it all to be honest.  The price to buy the flowers was only slightly less than it would cost to pay the florist to make the arrangement and the sales clerk told us that their bushes were on sale.  I told her that wouldn't work because I was making an arrangement for the cemetary.  And that's kind of when it hit me.  The lady told us the flowers would probably be on sale on Monday if we wanted to wait.  We were going to look at some other arrangements, but I just had to get out of the store.  I pretty much ran to the van because I didn't want to start crying right in the parking lot. 

I cried and cried while we drove around town.  And then I asked Doug why the dates had to be so close.  His response was that God has a sense of humor, to which I immediately responded, "It's NOT funny."  And in that moment, I was so upset, so scared, that I just couldn't imagine anything good happening.  But the truth is, I think God is trying to teach me to trust Him, whole-heartedly, not just in words.  Because the truth is, I HAVE to.  I have to trust that He has us in His hands.  That is the only way to make it through this month.