Beginning to Realize

I have begun to realize just exactly how hard this pregnancy is going to be.

I have been having some lower back pain since my surgery, but on Tuesday it REALLY got bad.  I sat in my office all day, trying not to move and make it worse.  I didn't get to take a lunch so when my part-time employee came in early I decided to leave an hour early.  I thought maybe I just needed a little rest and then I would feel better so I decided to take a nap.  When I woke up at 5:30 I felt better and decided not to worry.  But by 6 the pain was back.  What you have to know to understand my concern is that at the hospital the day of my surgery the nurse kept warning me about back labor.  I was so worried that I was contracting and the whole process of preterm labor was starting again.  I tried different positions and Doug tried rubbing my back but at 8 I finally decided it would be best for us to go to Alabaster so that I could at least be close to the ER in case I decided I needed to go.  So Doug and I threw some clothes in a bag and took off.  On the way there Doug suggested I call Labor and Delivery at the hospital to see if they thought I should come in.  Luckily that nurse suggested some techniques (including Tylenol PM) and then said if I felt too concerned to go ahead and come to the ER.  We stopped at a gas station and bought some Tylenol PM and by the time we got to my parents, I had already slept quite a while and was feeling better.  I decided to go to sleep and call my doctor in the morning.

Wednesday morning I called and waited to get an appointment.  I couldn't get in until the afternoon but by then I was feeling much better so I wasn't really overly worried.  Finally I got to see my doctor and she checked my stitch and said it looked great.  She also checked for a UTI but it came back negative.  She told me that the back pain is so severe because of the surgery and the way they had to manipulate my legs and hips in order to perform the procedure. 

I felt so much better to KNOW that everything is fine with me and the baby.  But this whole experience has really shown me exactly how hard the next 26 weeks are going to be.  You see, when I first experienced problems with Logan, everyone around me told me it sounded like a minor issue.  Even the nurse I talked to said that.  But something was nagging me and I told them I wanted to come in.  Of course in the end I was right and there were big problems, but no one could have really forseen that.

Now I'm put in a position where I feel crazy because every little sensation gets me worried and I can't talk myself out of worrying because I know too much.  I wish that I could just forget everything I know about premature labor.  Even the things I know about pregnancy loss from other women I have met through the grief process.  For example, every single ultrasound has been scary for me this time because I know that some women go in there and are told that their babies hearts have stopped.  That's not something that ever went through my mind before, but now I can't get it off my mind.  I hold my breath until the tech says the heart rate or I see the baby moving.  And I wish I could forget that worry and just be excited to be looking at this baby. 

But it's not that easy.  And not a moment of this pregnancy will be as easy for me as the weeks and months prior to my hospitalization. 

I'm really beginning to realize now just exactly how scary this pregnancy is going to be.