Eleven Whole Years

Eleven whole years have passed in a blink. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling this week.  I miss you so, so very much. I know I was blessed to have the time I had with you and to have your brother and sister in my life now, but I'm not feeling very blessed right now.

So many days I find it easy to remember the good things.  The days you were tucked safely inside of me, the days I held you or just held your tiny hand, the days you sucked your paci, the little noises I got to hear you make. 

But right now all I can seem to think about is the things I missed.  Nursing you, teaching you to walk and talk, learning about your favorite things, seeing you go to school, watching you interact with your brother and sister.  I wish I could see it all.

I find myself wishing once again that we were celebrating your birthday with you.  That we were having your favorite dessert instead of cake with an icing color your brother and sister will likely fight over.  I wish I could spend time in your bed talking about all the fun things we've done while you've been 10 like I do with Eli and Emily.

I know I should take comfort in the time we had and in knowing that you are in a place free of pain and sorrow.  But it's not happening this week.  Hopefully next week I'll go back to that place where I don't feel sad all the time.  Where I feel your presence instead of a huge gaping hole in my heart. Maybe next week I'll have a smile for your birthday but for now it's just tears. And as always, all my love, hopefully that's enough.

Love,
Mommy

Six

Emily,

I’m a day late for your birthday post this year.  It makes me sad to be late but it’s been a crazy year and at least I’m posting now. What a year it’s been! You started Kindergarten and absolutely love Mrs. Davis and all your new friends.

You love drawing, painting and all things arts and crafts and have decided you want to be an art teacher, which completely fits your personality at the moment.

You told me last week that you’re going to marry Jonah Lauer.  You also told me that you told him he couldn’t go under your dress, something you’ve seen people do on AFV 🤣

You have grown so much, even did a perfect cartwheel on your birthday and you also did your first standing back end this month. But at the same time, you’re scared of the flash of light from an eye exam and all kinds of silly little things.  And you still have a dramatic side!

You love unicorns, rainbows and Jojo Siwa, chicken nuggets, French fries and just about any dessert.

I pray this year is even better than the last and that you always know how much I love you!

-Mommy

8!

Wow! I can't believe you are 8 years old now.  I remember the day you were born and so many other moments throughout these 8 years like they were yesterday.  Last night we laid in your bed and snuggled for the last time as a 7 year old and we talked about the things we'd done while you were 7.  It's one of my favorite traditions.

You have really grown into such a great little guy.  You love reading and school but you also like being on school breaks too.  You like Pokemon, Star Wars, dinosaurs and beyblades.  You would watch the Jurassic Park/World movies on repeat 24/7 if we'd let you but the second Harry Potter movie was "too creepy".  You love pizza and chicken nuggets and Cook Out.  You love soccer and basketball and TROY football.  You have made so many new friends in the past year and you were elected to the SGA this year.

This year you will complete 2nd grade, receive your First Reconciliation and First Communion and perform with the big Summer Spotlight group.  You will probably make more friends and continue to shine at school and in soccer and maybe you'll even score a few points in basketball.

We've been planning your birthday surprise for about a year and a half now and I honestly can't believe we've managed to keep it a secret.  First thing this morning you said "Don't YOU have a present for me?"  Even though I knew it was coming, it still broke my heart just a little that I couldn't hand you something.  I told you that your present will be here tomorrow and you said "Okay, just tell me what it is."  I couldn't just tell you buddy.  I hope that tomorrow morning you agree that it was worth waiting for and I hope it's as big a surprise as we are expecting for you.

I love you more than you'll ever know,

Mommy

A Decade

A decade.  Ten whole years. Two whole hands.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I first looked at your tiny body, your little fingers and toes. Your teeny ears.

More than ever I’ve been wondering who you would be. What would it be like to have bunk beds in Eli’s room with you on the top bunk? What would 4th grade have been like?  Who would your teacher have been? What would we be getting you for your birthday?

Ten years seems like such a long time.  Everything in my life is so different now then that day you were born.  It seems like a different life.  And yet I have flashbacks that make it feel like I’m right back in those moments.

I love you so much sweet boy.  I was able to get some beautiful flowers for you and we’ve got something new for your spot.  But I really wish I was spending that money on some great toy that would put a big smile on your face.

-Mommy

5!

Oh my sweet princess, I truly can't wrap my brain around the fact that my baby is 5! You are such a beautiful girl inside and out although you do have a stubborn and dramatic side too :)

This year you started Pre-K and you have made so many new friends.  And boy are you learning fast!  A few weeks ago you brought me a book and said "Mama, does that say Mat?"  And sure enough it did.  Since then you've been reading us stories and telling everyone who will listen that you can read.

You played soccer in the fall and loved every minute of it and you are learning more and more in gymnastics every week.  Even though you often socialize more than practicing cartwheels.

You are such a girly girl.  You love pink and purple, bows, dresses, getting your nails done, high heels and your kitties and doll, Little Emily.  Little Emily has to go with us everywhere, you even bought her a car seat with some of your Christmas money.   You don't like not getting your way but we're working on that :)

I love you so much and am looking forward to this next year.  You will be going to summer camp, summer spotlight and then starting kindergarten and I know you are looking forward to every moment.

-Mama

Seventh

It’s been 9 days since your 7^th birthday and honestly, I completely forgot about writing your birthday letter until about two days ago. And we were so busy I didn’t have a chance to do it then.  I thought about just not writing them anymore but I hope one day you read these and get a small glimpse of how much I love you, even if I did write it late. 

What a year you’ve had! You finished Kindergarten and started 1^st grade.  You can read almost anything you see now and have discovered a love of math.  You have started your first grade year with all gold stars and we couldn’t be prouder.

You have fallen more in love with our caterpillars and butterflies, sometimes you’re even more enthusiastic than I am. You love American Ninja Warriors and want to start training now.  You still love Star Wars and trains and for your birthday Daddy and I built you a train room in the back of the shed.  You also love Nerf guns and had a big Nerf battle birthday which was a huge success.

You still play baseball and soccer and have also joined Boy Scouts.  You have discovered an interest in fishing and even caught a fish that we were able to make 3 tiny fish nuggets from, which you said were delicious.

Your love for your sister is so remarkable to me.  You look after her, worry about her, play with her and fight with her at times. 

You make friends easily and have made all A’s so far in 1^st grade.  You have taken on more chores and now empty and load the dishwasher every day.

I am soo proud of you and of the person you are becoming.  Keep loving everyone and stop worrying about doing everything perfectly.  I love you so much!

Mommy

Ninth

Oh my sweet Logan, today you would be 9!  In all these years I've always been so grateful for the 17 days we had with you.  That's not to say I didn't wonder or think "what if?" but for the most part I have been so grateful for the time we had with you.  For some reason, this year my curiosity about who you are/would have been is overwhelming.  Maybe it's because your brother and sister's personalities are developing right in front of me that is causing these kind of thoughts, I'm not really sure.  It suddenly feels like I don't even know what to miss about you.  I mean what would your voice have sounded like?  Would you have liked to read?  Would you have liked to dress up in superhero costumes?  The thing is, I miss you everyday but I wish I had more to miss.  I wish I missed the way you curled up in a ball to sleep like Emily does, or the way you sprawled out to every corner of the bed like Eli.  I wish I knew you better so that I could miss you more. 

And yet I wonder if knowing you better, missing you more would tear me apart in a way I can't even imagine.  It's such a strange journey.  Wishing for more and yet grateful for what I was given.

Last year was pretty rough.  Nothing went the way I had hoped for your birthday so I'm very hopeful that today is different.  Please know that we love you.  Be close to me, help me to feel your presence, so I don't feel so very alone.

Love always,
Mommy