Logan's Weight

In March I found a website called Remember Me Preemie.  The lady who runs the site makes preemie dolls.  The dolls are made to weigh the same weight as a real preemie at birth and she makes them any size from 11 weeks up to almost full term.  I, of course, ordered one almost immediately.  And I got it in the mail today.  I was utterly amazed when I pulled the doll out of the box.  At first glance, even I thought the doll was smaller than Logan but then I picked it up and put my finger in its hand.  It's amazing and I cannot explain how much the doll means to me already, it's a constant reminder that Logan had weight in this world.  I've hardly put it down since I opened the box.

It's an amazing feeling to hold this doll and know that Logan was this small and this light.  And I'm hopeful that in late September/early October I will be able to post pictures of this doll next to the new baby and talk about what an amazing size difference there is.

Finished!

Remember this post?  Well we did it!  We read the whole Bible from front to back!  And we did it in less than a year. 

I'm so proud of both of us for making it all the way through and doing it together.  But that doesn't mean our journey has ended.  Next we are starting a book on praying.  That's something I don't do very well on my own and I would like for it to be something we do together and often.  Not that we don't pray together, we do, at meals and when we are having hard moments.  But I would like it to be something we do often, when we're happy as well as when we're hurting.  I was taught a lot of memorized prayers growing up and I often cry out to God in my own way in my head, much like I did the day I found out I was pregnant.  But I want to have a public prayer life, I want to pray with my child(ren) and my husband and really be able to say what's on my mind out loud.  And that's one of my New Year's Resolutions, so the new book is the first step in that process.

I'm also reading this book, which was just released Saturday:

 

It's an amazing story told by an amzaing woman who's blog I've been following for quite a while.  I'm already on Chapter 7 or 8 and I'm sure will be finished soon. 


Now for a COMPLETELY different subject...

We got a new bedroom set a couple of weeks ago.  I think it looks really great with our bed.

Oh and we found out on Friday that the crib we bought 2 years ago has been recalled so we went shopping for a crib on Saturday.  Since we aren't planning to put together the nursery until the baby comes home we weren't in a big hurry to get a crib but we wanted to see what was out there and price them.  Well, we found two or three that we liked and on Sunday one of them went on sale and the matching changing table was on sale too so we went ahead and bought them.  I don't know what we're going to do with them until my sister moves out but that's another story.  Here's the crib:

And in other news, Doug is at the coast this week covering the oil spill, thus making me a single mom of three (four if you count the baby) and we pretty much had a monsoon today.  If you think I'm kidding, here's the proof:

And this was AFTER the rain! When I got home I thought I'd get a little cleaning done around the house so I put them outside. As you can tell, what cleaning I did get done didn't compare to the cleaning I had to do after I discovered these hooligans. Thankfully Bella stayed clean and my sister and her fiance came over to bathe these two crazies!

1 Down, 20 To Go

Today I got my first progesterone shot.  The shots are supposed to help prevent pre-term labor and since I'm at a high risk for pre-term labor I will be getting one every week.  The shot wasn't as bad as I was worried it might be so I'm less worried about the 20 or so I have left :)

We also scheduled our anatomy ultrasound for May 24, so in one month we will know for sure if this is Emily or a little boy whose name we have yet to pick. 

I would have to say that today's appointment has been the best one we've had yet and the most reassuring for me.  You see, at my last two appointments my doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat with the dopplar and both times we searched and searched to only hear 2 or 3 beats.  This time we heard the heartbeat almost as soon as she put the dopplar on my tummy.

I also felt the baby move for the first time on Sunday night which has me really excited.  I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move on a more regular schedule because there is nothing more reassuring than feeling movement!

New Address, Same Blog

I've been thinking a lot lately about my blog and the fact that it has kind of transformed from a blog about the bears I make into a general story about our journey through grief and parenthood.  So I decided I needed a change and here it is. 

The new address is http://smilesaftertherain.blogspot.com/.  Please feel free to follow me here.

Beginning to Realize

I have begun to realize just exactly how hard this pregnancy is going to be.

I have been having some lower back pain since my surgery, but on Tuesday it REALLY got bad.  I sat in my office all day, trying not to move and make it worse.  I didn't get to take a lunch so when my part-time employee came in early I decided to leave an hour early.  I thought maybe I just needed a little rest and then I would feel better so I decided to take a nap.  When I woke up at 5:30 I felt better and decided not to worry.  But by 6 the pain was back.  What you have to know to understand my concern is that at the hospital the day of my surgery the nurse kept warning me about back labor.  I was so worried that I was contracting and the whole process of preterm labor was starting again.  I tried different positions and Doug tried rubbing my back but at 8 I finally decided it would be best for us to go to Alabaster so that I could at least be close to the ER in case I decided I needed to go.  So Doug and I threw some clothes in a bag and took off.  On the way there Doug suggested I call Labor and Delivery at the hospital to see if they thought I should come in.  Luckily that nurse suggested some techniques (including Tylenol PM) and then said if I felt too concerned to go ahead and come to the ER.  We stopped at a gas station and bought some Tylenol PM and by the time we got to my parents, I had already slept quite a while and was feeling better.  I decided to go to sleep and call my doctor in the morning.

Wednesday morning I called and waited to get an appointment.  I couldn't get in until the afternoon but by then I was feeling much better so I wasn't really overly worried.  Finally I got to see my doctor and she checked my stitch and said it looked great.  She also checked for a UTI but it came back negative.  She told me that the back pain is so severe because of the surgery and the way they had to manipulate my legs and hips in order to perform the procedure. 

I felt so much better to KNOW that everything is fine with me and the baby.  But this whole experience has really shown me exactly how hard the next 26 weeks are going to be.  You see, when I first experienced problems with Logan, everyone around me told me it sounded like a minor issue.  Even the nurse I talked to said that.  But something was nagging me and I told them I wanted to come in.  Of course in the end I was right and there were big problems, but no one could have really forseen that.

Now I'm put in a position where I feel crazy because every little sensation gets me worried and I can't talk myself out of worrying because I know too much.  I wish that I could just forget everything I know about premature labor.  Even the things I know about pregnancy loss from other women I have met through the grief process.  For example, every single ultrasound has been scary for me this time because I know that some women go in there and are told that their babies hearts have stopped.  That's not something that ever went through my mind before, but now I can't get it off my mind.  I hold my breath until the tech says the heart rate or I see the baby moving.  And I wish I could forget that worry and just be excited to be looking at this baby. 

But it's not that easy.  And not a moment of this pregnancy will be as easy for me as the weeks and months prior to my hospitalization. 

I'm really beginning to realize now just exactly how scary this pregnancy is going to be.

I want to let everyone know that I am out of surgery and baby and I are doing fine. I will be to leaving the hospital soon. Thanks

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Prayers

I just wanted to ask all of you to be praying for me tonight and tomorrow. 

I was so completely confident about this whole process until I had to go sit in the hospital waiting room for an hour waiting to do my pre-admit blood work. 

Now I'm kind of freaking out about it. 

Not really the surgery, but the process.  Being in the hospital again, being put to sleep and waking up to find out how it went, it's just kind of scary.

So I'd love your prayers.  I'll try to update as soon as I can.  Not sure if I can get blogger on the hospital internet but I will try.