My Lesson?

Lately, I've been wondering what God is trying to teach me in all of this.  Considering our struggles, I can't believe that it's just a coincidence that the dates for this pregnancy match up exactly with the dates of my first pregnancy.  So He must be trying to teach me/show me something.

And yet this pregnancy has been so very different.  I've been nauseous all the time, get heartburn when I drink water (much less eat anything of substance), and crave sweets when last time sweets were the only thing that made me sick.

I said last time that I didn't care what gender the baby was, but I secretly wanted a boy.  I wanted my oldest to be a boy so that he could look after his younger siblings in a way that no girl can do (at least in my mind).  And the truth is that I got exactly what I wanted.  A big brother who will be watching over his younger sibling(s) in every way.  And this time, I still say I don't care what gender the baby is and that is the honest truth, but there is a part of me that wants a girl.  It's the part of me that's scared that come June I'll be back in the hospital and then visiting the NICU.  That part of me wants a girl because I know the odds are against little, white boys and slightly favor little, white girls. 

And yet, it has occurred to me that I don't just want a little girl.  I want my two-year-old son here AND a little girl.  I want to be able to completely erase the fears of prematurity and be like most other 2nd-time mothers I know who are more worried about how they are going to afford childcare for two or deal with two kids crying at the same time than whether or not they'll get the chance to hold the baby when he/she is born.

And that is honestly all I am thinking about right now.  When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I hit all the baby websites and started thinking about the perfect delivery.  Having my family there, delivering naturally and possibly even without an epidural and having Doug hand me this baby just minutes after it was born.  When Logan was born he was whisked away within minutes and all I got was a drug-fogged glance at my son and Doug wasn't even there. 

So this time around, I'm not worried about who will be in the delivery room, how I'll deliver, or whether or not I'll get the drugs, my sole wish for delivery is that I get to hold this baby, even if it's just for a minute or two, before the nurses take her (or him) away.

Some people have been telling me not to worry about what happened last time, that I need to relax.  All I can say is that is like telling someone who has been attacked by sharks, "Oh, don't worry about these sharks, they wouldn't hurt a fly".

And it makes it so much more difficult that the days are the same.  Logan was born on a Friday and the Friday before his birthday (which is on a Sunday this year) I will be 24 weeks 6 days, which is how far along I was the day that he was born.  So there must be some lesson in this.  And I've been searching for it.

And I guess I'll keep searching until God decides to clue me in!

I Am...

Today is Feb. 2nd and I am scared.

I am excited!

I am nervous.

I am happy!

I am...

I am relieved.

I am praising God!

I am holding tight to Logan's blanket.

I am happy, excited, relieved and praising God because just one month ago I wrote a post (that I obviously never published) ready to explain to everyone that Doug and I were planning to pursue an adoption.  The back story is that my Dr. suggested that we wait 6 months to try again after Logan died.  We waited and in Dec. 2008 she cleared us to start trying again.  Then in late Jan./early Feb. I thought I was pregnant.  I was wrong.  My Dr. felt that I was stressed and not ovulating.  For 4-5 months I tried to stop thinking about getting pregnant, all while thinking every month that I was pregnant, only to get a negative test.  Then my Dr. put me on a fertility drug.  For 6 months I took fertility drugs, hoping that would help.  It didn't.  In Dec. 2009 I was told that I had to have an HSG test done.  The test consisted of inserting dye into my uterus to make sure there were no problems with either my uterus or my tubes.  There were no problems.  And my Dr. offered to send me to a fertility specialist.  I stopped her in her tracks.  I told her I wasn't going to see a fertility specialist.  I told her I was done with the fertility drugs.  I told her that Doug and I were going to pursue adoption.  And she supported me.  I started trying to imagine the adoption process and acutally got kind of excited about it.  And now my world has been rocked in such a wonderful way. 

I honestly have been thinking I was pregnant for over a week, but I've been trying to convince myself I was wrong because I have had so much disappointment in the past several months.  I finally decided today to take the test and get it over with so that I could get it off of my mind.  I didn't even wait for Doug to get home.  And with 1 min. and 45 sec. left on the timer I noticed the two lines.  I called Doug.  I said "I'm so sorry for doing it like this, but can you stay on the phone with me for the next one and half minutes?"  He asked why and I said because "I think I'm pregnant".  From the reaction I got, I think he was surprised and almost unbelieving.  When the timer went off, I knew for sure.  Definitely 2 lines!

I am scared, nervous and holding tight to Logan's blanket because I know that not all pregnancies end with a baby living at home, sleepless nights holding a tiny infant, and raising a child.  I'm also scared and nervous because on Feb. 1, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with Logan.  So I know that the dates are going to be so close.  And I know that being pregnant during June and July, at about the same point I was with Logan, is going to be scary. 

But I also know that God has a plan.  And no matter what I do, His plan will happen.  I have faith in my God that no matter what happens, He will be at my side, every step of the way.  And for right now, I am going to take every single day as a blessing.  If I am pregnant for only 2 weeks, that is 2 weeks I get to spend with this baby.  If I am pregnant for 24 weeks and 6 days, that is 24 weeks and 6 days I get to spend with this baby.  And if I bring home a baby in 9 months and get to watch that child grow, I will be blessed for every day I am pregnant and every day of that child's life.  I also know that I have so many people pulling for me and praying for me.  And I appreciate those prayers.  I am especially asking for prayers for my strength.  That's what I'm going to need the most in the coming days, weeks, and months.

UPDATE:

Today is Feb. 27th and I am 8 weeks pregnant, and Logan would be 20 months old today.

We told Doug's family today and now we're ready to share with everyone. 

I'm going on record right now in saying that I think this is a girl.  I have been extremely sick this time, not just morning sickness, all day sickness.  Last time I just thought I had morning sickness.  And last time I couldn't touch sweet foods, but this time sweets are about the only thing that I feel like eating. 

I have decided that my blog will be where I share about my pregnancy. Last time I used Facebook to update everyone, but out of respect for my many friends who have suffered a loss or have suffered with infertility, I will not use that means of updating. So if you're coming here, you're probably going to be hearing a LOT about this baby, just warning you now!

I just wanted to hop on and show all of you my new kitchen table.

And the chairs.

It's not actually here yet.  It won't be here until next Saturday.  But I can't wait.  It's a little bit bigger than the table we have now and extends to be even bigger for when we have guests.

Oh and I picked a new decorative tile for my backsplash.

We will still use the white subway tiles, but this will be where the ceramic diamond shaped tiles were in my earlier post.  It's kind of metallic and I think it's going to look MUCH better with my countertops.  And it'll look great with the red paint. 

Doug and my dad are going to start building some cabinets for my craft room the same weekend that the table comes.  I can't wait to finally be able to organize in there instead of just having paper and scrapbooks stacked in different corners!  I'll take pictures so you can see whenever they finish.  Although if you count the painting, that may be a few months away.

We've got lots going on around here.  A good friend of mine who lives in Tennessee is visiting tonight and next weekend we get to see our Georgia friends.  And I'm gearing up for the March in April.  I've already gotten a big start on my donations from my Tennessee friend.  I love ya girl!

March for Babies 2010

It's that time of year again!  The March for Babies is just around the corner.  And this year I have taken on some added responsibilities.  I am co-captain for the Troy University - Dothan team. 

I'm honestly a little bit nervous about it because I feel so disconnected from the other co-captains and depending on the response I get at the Troy campus, my nervousness may turn into serious stress before the day of the event :)

I wanted to take this opportunity to invite everyone to participate in the March for Babies with us this year.  We will be walking on April 17 at 10am at Landmark Park in Dothan.  To join, go to http://www.marchforbabies.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=1348430&si.

If you can't join but you would like to help, you can always donate to my walk.  I set my goal a bit higher this year, at $400, so I'm going to need all the help I can get.

If you do decide to walk with us, let me know.  I'm pretty sure we'll wear the same shirts again this year, but if you don't already have one or we end up deciding to change it this year, I want to be able to get you a shirt.  We also wore Logan buttons last year and I will get more this year if they are needed. 

We'd love to have all of our family and friends walk with us this year!

Resolutions

It's a little late, but here are my New Year's Resolutions.

1. Lose weight.  This one's kind of cliche I guess but my sister's getting married in July and I'm in the wedding so it has to be a priority for me.  So far, the diet's been going okay but the exercising hasn't really started yet.  Part of that is because of Doug getting back and getting used to Central time again.  But next week I'm determined to do something at least.

2. Walk the dogs EVERY day.  This one I've done before and I had actually gotten into the routine of it.  And then we got Levi.  And I haven't quite figured out how to walk three by myself yet without getting dragged down the street.  So Doug and I have decided to go in the mornings before he goes to the gym.  This also kind of ties into the first one since it's exercise.  A second part of this resolution is to teach Bella and Levi how to walk on the treadmill.  Callie has the lowest energy level, so she needs less exercise than the other two, but she will walk on the treadmill for as long as I ask her too.  It's just my luck that the two that need the most exercise are scared to death of the treadmill!  But we're going to work on that.  I need them to be able to walk on the treadmill when it's raining outside or when Doug is gone and I can only take 2 of them on a real walk.

3. Get better at praying.  It's not that I don't pray, it's just that I usually kind of "fit" it into my life.  You know, when I'm brushing my teeth, driving to/from work, in the shower.  This year I want to make praying more of a focus in my life.  I haven't quite figured out what that means for me, but I'm working on it.

4.* My final resolution is to bring color into my house.  We bought a new house so it was painted to sell, all brown.  There are three or four different shades, but they're all shades of brown.  I've known that I wanted to paint for a while, I just didn't know what colors I wanted to paint it. 

Right now, our office/craft room is in the room that was the nursery.  And the other bedroom is my sister's.  But in July when my sister moves out we're going to move the office into her room and make the nursery into a guest bedroom.  Because of the painted shelves we have in the nursery, we're not going to paint in there, but the new office/craft room will be getting a BRIGHT new makeover. 

Each of the 4 walls will be a different color. One purple, one green, one turquoise and one orange. (Note: in the second picture there are two shades of green. The bottom green is the one I have picked.) I'm also going to make some vinyl cutouts with my Cricut to hang on the walls. It's going to be a very fun room. And some of you might think I'm crazy but I LOVE the colors!

I'm also planning to paint both the master bath and the guest bath.  I had picked out a pale yellow for the guest bath but after seeing the color painted on a piece of drywall, I think it would look washed out because of the white woodwork in the room.  So I'm thinking I might go with a light green in that room.

The master bath will have a nautical theme:

And will be painted this color:

And last but not least is the kitchen. 

I'm also hoping to do a tile backsplash but I'm not 100% sure I'm going to be able to afford the tile before the end of the year.  So that might be on next year's resolution list.  But here's the tile I've picked:

And here is the tile next to the red so you can kind of get the whole picture:

*This resolution is brought to you by HGTV, pretty much the only channel I watched while Doug was in California, and the main reason I am in such a "change it all" mood :)

Tis the Season

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  The weather is cool, if not cold.  We get to put up beautiful decorations.  I get to celebrate my birthday.  Plus, I'm off for two weeks of paid leave time. 

And this year, for the first time since we've been together, Doug will be off too.  Which makes this Christmas extra special. 

We've got a full schedule.  We're going to Kentucky, going to the beach, spending Christmas Day with my family and spending the weekend after with Doug's family.

Christmas is the one time of year that we ALWAYS go to Kentucky to visit my extended family.  Many times it's the ONLY time we get to see my two grandmothers and it's always the only time I get to see most of my cousins and aunts and uncles.

Last year, when I found out I was due in October and would be on maternity leave until January, I immediately started planning my trip to Kentucky.  My mom and I were going to go up early with the baby so that we could visit EVERYONE and show off the baby.  Then when Logan was born in June, we started talking about our trip and how Logan would probably be the center of attention because he would be a miracle baby. 

When he died, all thoughts of Christmas went out the window.  Doug and I didn't have any extra time to take off because of the time we had already taken off while I was in the hospital and then recovering.  And going to Kentucky would have been too hard.

You see, I have a BIG family.  My dad is one of 8 and my mom is one of 11.  And most of them have at least 2 kids.  And most of my cousins have kids now too.  In fact, last year there were at least three new babies and a very pregnant cousin.  It just would have been too hard.

Even this year, I am anxious.  I keep trying to imagine what it would be like if he hadn't died.  What would my life be like with an 18 month old.

And every time I do imagine it, I see Logan as a perfectly normal walking, talking 18-month-old.  One you have to watch closely to keep him out of everything.  One who puts everything in his mouth. 

And then I realize that I'm imagining the baby that was supposed to be born on Oct. 11.  Then I remember that just a day or two before he died we found out he had a brain bleed.  It wasn't a fatal bleed, but it most likely would have affected him if he had lived.  I realize that, if he had lived, 18-month-old Logan may not be walking and talking.  He may never have walked or talked.  My trip to Kentucky may have entailed so many machines and so much medical equipment that it was absolutely exhausting.  We may not have been able to go at all. 

And for myself, I wish either one of those dreams was true.  I know I wouldn't mind lugging the equipment.  I would have been happy to learn about machines and medicines that kept my son alive.

But the real Logan is so much better than either of my dreams.  Because he's in heaven.  And as a mother, I want what is best for my son.  So, as a mother, I'm proud to have a son in heaven even when it hurts to say so.

Sin Scales

I've been thinking a lot lately about sin.  It's a very complicated subject because what is considered a sin can vary from one religion to another, one family to another and even one person to another.  Some people think drinking alcohol is a sin, others (myself included) believe that it is only when you drink alcohol in excess that you have sinned.  God gave us some rules in the Bible.  The Ten Commandments are probably rules everyone (at least Christians) can agree on.  But even if we all agreed what is and isn't a sin, it's still really complicated.

If something is a sin, does that mean it is always a sin, no matter the circumstances?  For example, if someone broke into my house and tried to kill me but I killed them first, have I sinned?  One of the Ten Commandments is "Thou shalt not kill".  Before I go any further, let me say that I fully believe God forgives us for any and all sins that we ask Him to forgive.  He has mercy and grace that none of us can comprehend and there's nothing we can do that He can't forgive us for.  His forgiveness is not what I'm talking about here.  Acts 2:38 says:

"Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. "

That word repent says to me that we must acknowledge the fact that we have sinned in order to be forgiven.  So back to my example.  When I kill someone in self-defense, have I sinned.  I think the answer is probably yes.  Does that mean I should feel guilty for protecting myself?  I don't think so, I think it means that I should feel sad that I was forced to kill someone.  I think it means I should go to God and tell him that I'm sorry that I took a life.  And then I'll be forgiven. 

There's also the difference between law and sin.  It's not against the law to commit adultery, but it is a sin.  It's not a sin to drive over the speed limit but it is against the law.

And then there's the complication that I have been struggling with and the reason for this post.
 
Are some sins worse than others? 
 
Here's my dilemma, if God can forgive all of our sins just by us asking for forgiveness, then doesn't that mean that in His mind all sins are the same?  Is He sitting up there with a set of scales and giving forgiveness out according to the weight of the sin?  I just can't see that in my mind. 
 
I know that I can never hope to understand His ways, but the way I see it (from my human mind) is that God gave us the Bible and in it He explicitly told us not to do certain things.  There are no "excepts" in the Ten Commandments.  It doesn't say thou shalt not kill except if someone is trying to kill you.  It's very straightforward.  But it seems like in every day life we weigh sins.  One of the commandments is "Thou shalt not lie".  But how many of us can honestly say we don't lie?  Is it a sin to lie to my husband when he asks me what I bought him for Christmas?  I think most people would say no.  I wouldn't immediately think this is a sin myself.  But put it in a different situation.  Maybe my husband is asking me what I bought him because he is worried about our financial situation and I have a habit of buying him things that are above our means.  (For the two mothers that I know read this, I just want to say this is not real, just hypothetical :) )  If I tell him I spent nothing but actually spent several thousands of dollars above what we can afford, is the lie a sin? 
 
I think there is a danger is weighing our sins.  Because I don't think God weighs them.  I think that He hates sin.  I don't think He hates us for sinning, but I do think He hates sin.  In my mind I imagine Him feeling hurt every time one of us sins. 

My own Church weighs sin.  We call them mortal/grave and venial sins (venial being the smaller, not as bad sins).  But I've always been told that even mortal sins are forgiven if we simply ask for forgiveness.  So is there really any difference to God?

I guess the brunt of my struggle is that I want to be a good Christian.  I want to be a good Catholic.  I want to love God with every part of my being and I want to be the kind of person that people see and know that God is part of my life.  I want to be like Jesus.  But every single day I fail in some way.  And then I find myself rationalizing to myself or to others, attempting to justify my sins.  Even if they are just "little" sins, if we KNOW what we are doing is wrong (that it is a sin), isn't it just as bad as committing a "big" sin?  If we KNOW we are going to hurt God, isn't that grave?

And now we're back to what is and isn't sin.  In parts of the Bible it says not to eat any pork.  Does that mean that eating a pork roast or pork chop is a sin?  I honestly don't think so, but what gives me the right to say that?  Most, if not all, Christians believe God gave us the Bible and if it did come from Him, how can we question it?  And if the Bible is wrong, who has the power to say it is and to then tell us what is right or wrong?  Also, should we attempt to interpret what is written in the Bible (including things that aren't mentioned or excluding things that are), or take it at face value? 

I don't have the answers.  It would be great if God could just post a little comment and lay it out for me.  But I doubt that's going to happen.  However, I am open to any input!